Turning Point

      We all have periods of suffering in our life. Sometimes it is external forces and at times internal forces that bring it on. However on very special occasions external and internal forces hold hands and tag team your ass. Suffering means different things to different people as well. Not having the money to buy the latest game or see that new movie throw some people into a spiral. It takes more than that for me.

     For me suffering is worrying about providing for my child, being betrayed by someone I love or just having to wonder where my next meal is coming from and when. I have however survived these situations with 100% success rate thus far. I trend I hope to continue. 

     Since my separation and divorce  I have had periods of suffering of different kinds. Emotional obviously was a larger period to deal with but also financial. I with help from friends found an ok job that kept me afloat but still bailing water. Friends also have helped me in more ways and times than I can count in keeping the lights on, rent paid and car fed.

     Many years ago a sales manager I had asked me a question. Basically it was what did I want out of life. My answer was to thrive. I did not want to just make it by day to day I wanted to know I was financially doing ok and things were taken care of. For me that does not mean fancy cars and a giant house. It means bills are paid, food is not a concern and some money to fall back on is in the bank. I don't desire a fancy life just one I don't feel the need to escape from.     

     I have fallen very short of that goal. I had points of almost hitting it but not close enough. One of the things along the way I have learned is I am an emotional person, but I am human so it makes sense. My small business came crashing down during one of the most emotionally stressful times of my life. That is kind of understandable. There were two people in my life that meant the world to me that were a part of it. It really was too much for me to emotionally carry on without them. 

     But through that change and that pain and those late nights suffering I found something. That something was actually a few things. True friends, self worth, self respect, strength and a healthy amount of coping skills were found. Now my true self I am still working on that but our true self is a life long journey. I also gained a different vantage point of my situation. I was a believer in words and I learned to compare actions. The actions of some who said "I love you" did not add up to the words.  

     My circle got smaller and that has been amazing. My interactions are more meaningful and the friendships more important. It has been a process but it has been worth it. Bit by bit I am building myself, notice I did not say rebuilding? That is because what was can't and wont be rebuilt. It is in no way worth it. A few bits have been remade but still not entirely as they once were. 

     The change is still happening. I truly believe we become what we take in or associate with. Dwell in dark places or only take in depressing media and good luck being happy. Have you ever noticed on social media how one friend is having a bad day and talks about it soon many people are having a bad day? Just like my physical circle of friends shrank so did my digital one. That I had to do myself. I removed and unfollowed people or pages that truly did not benefit my happiness or mental well being.  I removed the random strangers or those that had become strangers from my digital life.

     I have started following people who inspire me or are successful in the areas of life  I desire to be. My online interactions now are more personal and or uplifting. That my friends has helped my mental health more than you would believe. 

This has led me to being able to make my next big change. I will be leaving my current job for one that will either sink me or give me one hell of a pool float. I got tired of the daily struggle and am doing something about it. I am changing my vocabulary from "I wish" or "I'm trying" to " I am going to". You see I am tired of unfollowed dreams and hopes and am grabbing the reigns of those that I can control. I won't allow myself to sit by treading water any longer. I am ready to thrive.    

Time for a Challenge

      The season of new year new me crap is soon upon us. Normally I greet this with a scowl and a bad attitude. Come January I probably still will. However right now in this moment I am getting ahead of the curve and setting some goals for myself. Why you might ask? Well I have a few that should in all reality not be that hard to accomplish and while I have no clue what 2019 will hold for me... I intend to push myself this year.

You see I have this one big giant thing that is really good at holding myself back. It has for most of my life. That big thing is me. I know a huge shock right? While I can often present a public face that can be calm and collected on the inside is a world of fear of just about every stupid thing you could imagine. I have the special gift of being able to sink myself in what if questions the always end with things going wrong. So this year I plan on telling those what if questions to go jump off a cliff because things can go right. 

 Six month goals
1. Get to and maintain a body weight of 300 or less pounds.
2. Go to a movie by myself . (Never done it)
3. Finish the mud work on all walls in my house.
4. Learn one song on the guitar.
5. Build and maintain a better eating lifestyle for myself by doing research, meal prep and food budgeting.
     See not a huge list and not unobtainable. They are also set to be done in the next six months. I am trying to not plan to fail. That I know I am good at. I have proved it many times over. But I hope by accomplishing these simple goals I can boost my self esteem and keep adding to this list.

     I have already made some simple life changes that needed done. One of them was with social media. I purged a lot of friends, contacts and anything else you want to call them from my social media. I want to focus more on the things and people that are important to me and uplifting. There have been many different phases of myself during my transition that had radically different mindsets that went with them. 

     There are a few things that are important to me right now.
1. Being the best father to my daughter.
2. Mastering self control and continuing self improvement.
3. Being the best man I can be in my relationship with my significant other.
4. Maintaining healthy and positive friendships.
5. Managing my finances in order to better hit longer term life goals. 

     These are just a few but the ones I need to focus on. I am going to make 2019 a good year. It will probably be hard but it damn sure will be worth it. It will be a active year of hard work and change hopefully in all the right directions.   
 

The Transition

     Starting a new life is a journey with just as much trial and error as the old one. When I was a teenager living in Sugar City Idaho I recall hearing about a local man who lost his wife shortly after the birth of a their first child. The though of that happening scared me significantly. Being a single father all alone seemed like a nightmare to me. I almost lost my wife after the birth of our child due to an infection that took root after her C section.

     Yet here I find myself today a single father. Not due to death but growing apart and ending what became a toxic marriage. So in some ways the nightmare is not the same as what I had feared but it is still a hard road to walk. As I always say and always will the end of our marriage was due to issues on both sides. 

     It was a tough pill to swallow as I imagine the end of most relationships are. For a while I did not want it to truly end I wanted to fix it. But the more that was talked about and boundaries and compromises discussed the more I realized things would never work. The hardest part of it all the one thing that made me want it to work out was wanting to be a family. Not wanting to have to split time and homes and all that fun stuff. 

     I once had a desire to be a leader, to help others on a large scale and to make a difference in the world. In a way I did make a difference and people did get helped. I made connections and friends and brought people together. I spent countless hours organizing things and gathering or making donations and raffle items. It taught me a lot of skills along the way. 

    But I also made a lot of fake friends along the way and met a few scammers looking to take advantage of kindhearted people. There was also too much politics and bullshit in the end. Lots of people who wanted to voice their opinion and ideas but no desire to help along the way.

     It has been said "All good things must come to an end." My reply to that is "If it was good for everyone why would it end?" I think the truth is if it was then it wouldn't end. This is why The Green Onion of Utah has basically come to an end for me. I stopped living that life dedicated to the help of others and building that community and started living for myself. 

     I finally learned how to be a little selfish. As far as friends, well I don't have as many as I once did and I don't get stopped in public as often because someone recognized me. But life is getting better. I lost people I never thought I would and gained ones that were just as surprising to me.  The friends I have now I would not trade for anything. We have become a family through thick and thin we help one another and grow together. 

     I have been slaying my demons one by one. Discarding the baggage I really don't need to bring into this new life with me. We have all been doing that together. Through walks, new experiences and creating our own traditions like Taco Tuesdays. Life is different these days and their are still struggles but it is looking better.

Moving Forward

      August 11th would have been my 11 year anniversary. This was my first go around with this date since we split the end of last August. I was anxious about this day. I did not know what mixed bag of emotions to expect. It went better than expected. 

    I originally intended to spend this day at home with her. However I realized this was probably not the best choice. I had a friend who suggested she bring her daughter over and we have a tiny human sleepover. As people and plans tend to do in my life she vanished into her own world for her own reasons. To be honest it is something I have gotten used to. 

     My friends the Greens were amazing and offered to babysit the Tiny Human so I could go out and be with my people. Morgen and Penrose came to hang out with the Tiny Human and myself before the nights activities. Morgen did my makeup. 

      After the tiny was dropped off we all gathered at the Union Tavern in Midvale for a cosplay event. I elected to remain sober that night as I have the majority of the past few weeks. It was a glorious gathering of people that night from all walks of life. The bar was packed with familiar and some new faces.

     The shenanigans were on point as always. While at some points I felt lost because of my thoughts and contemplation's of my situation at hand it was a good night. I managed to sneak in two songs that night at karaoke. I finished off the night singing Hate Me by Blue October as in many ways I see my life in the lyrics. There were offers of an after party or a trip to the waffle house but I decided to journey home and be alone for a while. 

     This allowed me to really reflect on some things and I needed that. I have begun to form a list of of rules for myself and I keep adding to them. I will share some of them here.

The Rules of Life According to Bishop

1. Don't chase after people.
     
      You have better things to do in life and chasing after someone is never a good idea. A fact that has been proven to me time and time again in life. If they feel the need to run away let them. In the end you will only get hurt more and devalue yourself in the process.
  
2. Words are never a substitute for actions.

     Listen to what people say and watch what they do. If the two don't align there are problems. See how they treat others, the way they speak about or treat others in front of you today very well could be what they do to you tomorrow. 

3. Have self respect.

     People can and will use you for personal gain or comfort. It is entirely ok to stand up for yourself and speak out. You don't need some who only cares about what you can do for them in your life. Don't become another broken person in the trail of people they will leave behind when they have gotten all they can or want from you. 

4. It is ok to feel

     We all need have a carefree time every now and then. However constant self medicating with drinking, people or other distractions will only prolong the problems at hand. One must truly deal with things in order to learn, grow and change. 

   These are just a few of the things I have learned along the way and I will keep adding to them. Thank you to everyone who has been along on my journey. For the ones who have stuck by my side because they care. For those who taught me valuable life lessons even if they hurt along the way. All of you have added to my life in some way. 

Lost...

     Life is a fickle bitch. Capable of giving everything or taking it all away in the blink of an eye. The last few weeks have been an interesting ride to say the least. I have had some amazing moments and felt content for a while. But and there is always a but I am on the low end of things right now. 

     August 11th would have been my eleven year wedding anniversary. Now, any day now a judge will put pen to paper and legally dissolve the wedding vows we made five days shy of 11 years ago today. The emotions are truly unreal. There is no changing the events put in action last year and the papers we filed this year. Nor at this point would I try and change it. I don't need another or desire another verbal beat down a reminder of all that I had done that wasn't what she wanted. 

     The truth is there is not a damn thing anyone could judge me for a berate me for that I don't do to myself on a regular basis. Many people find comfort in my presence and it is a service I am often happy to provide. But for myself I feel stuck in my own skin. I would rather be anywhere else or anyone else than who I am today. 

     I have done many things that at the time was helpful for others and seemed important at the time. But ultimately today it all feels like nothing. Many of the people who called me brother have vanished into the night. Some even giving me a piece of there mind before blocking me or telling me to fuck off. The one who told me I was family is a painful thought and I avoid there presence at all costs. Some wounds I don't think will do more than scab over and get picked at from time to time for the rest of my days.  

     My involvement with The Chive... The countless arguments and attempts to shut down our chapter because we were competition was taxing and in the end not worth the effort so many of us put into it. I regret my involvement in The Chive and the deeply personal effect one of the members had on my marriage. Some wounds just cant be forgotten.I don't wish ill on many but that fucker deserves what ever pain and trauma comes his way. 

     Life for me and even myself has been changing. I used to swallow a lot of shit and just keep smiling. I was for lack of a better term a door mat. Something I refuse to be anymore for anyone. I have learned that if someone loves you for who you truly are that is something. If they love you for what you can do for them, you should run the fuck away. 

     Life is indeed strange. Single life at this point is an entirely new adventure. Sometimes like tonight its damn lonely. But the truth is its hard to find someone that just feels right. Someone to actually trust again and someone who understands how truly mind fucked I have become. Trust does not come easy and I analyze the fuck out of everything because I have been hurt and I continue to be hurt. 

     Damaged goods seems to be how I truly feel most of the time. However I still tend to put on the smile and do my little dance when I am around others. No one truly needs to hear about all my inner demons. Most of the time I keep this all in but sometimes the dam breaks and out it spills. It is one of those nights. 

     I have for the most part quit drinking right now. I had one beer last weekend 2 overall last week. The problem is I am always thinking, always analyzing and pondering moments in time. When I am sober I can kind of contain the sadness, the hopelessness and self hatred while sober. But when drinking it can all come out and its not pretty or productive. That is enough self loathing for one night goodnight everyone. 

   

      

Searching

     We spend so much valuable time searching. We get these ideas stuck in our heads. If I get this car I will be happy or if this person would just give me the time of day and go out with me, I will be happy...

     Maybe for a while we are happy. But the car breaks down, or that person was not who you thought they were. The shine wears off and like a junkie we need that next fix. Onward to a new dream because the grass is always greener on the other side right? 

     We spend so much of our valuable resources just trying to be happy. The most valuable of those resources being time and we generally spend far too much of it being miserable. The items or people we lust after change from time to time as needed because in reality they don't make us happy. How can they really? 

     If we can't find a way to be happy truly happy with ourselves, nothing will truly make us happy. We can change our job, location, home, relationship even our car but it can still leave us lacking. Often the let down from not getting the expected burst of joy we were after can leave us worse off than we were before. 

     

     I have tried in my 31 years of life so many different ways to obtain that sense of joy I was lacking. I moved far from home at a young age and it helped me grow, it changed my situation for the better but I was still not happy. I got married at a young age and again it helped me learn and grow. It was what I thought I should be doing but it has ended in bitter feelings and a destroyed family after ten years. 

    I found joy, so much joy in another person after it seemed like I had forgotten the very feeling in so many ways. I felt love in new and exciting ways. It seemed like everything was perfect and in may ways we were perfect for each other. I felt whole, I felt stupidly happy. Truth be told I was stupid because I saw what I wanted, and when I was lied to and I knew the truth I tried to ignore it. All that joy, all the feelings of being happy and all of the plans for the future went away. As the lies were revealed all of that joy turned to grief. 

     I tried to find joy in religion because it was expected of me. Like a roller coaster I went through periods of trying to do what was expected and running from it. No one won that round and in the end I had to stop trying to please others through my church activity because it made me truly miserable. 

     I found joy in helping others and in many ways I still do. I organized entire events, spent hours making raffle items and prizes. I did help people, but after the event was over and the money distributed and the people went home I was again miserable. 

     This constant rise and fall of joy made me learn a few things along the way. I am an excellent student and frequently attend the school of Hard Knocks. I know so many things now that I wont want to try again. But I also gained understanding. Yes I was sad after all those meetups to help people. But I was sad because sad is pretty much a natural state for me. After feeling so much joy it was natural to feel so bad because it was a crash from the good times and from being surrounded by so many people. 

     That understanding has helped. Knowing what to expect has helped. I can prepare for it, I can talk myself through it. what would at one time derail me for weeks can now be over in a few hours maybe a day if it is really bad. I learned skills and ways to cope with depression when it came knocking. I learned not to embrace it like the warm comforting familiar blanket it had become. 

     Life is continuing on because it must. As much as I wish so often the ride was over for some reason I stick around. Even though some days I really don't want to. For some reason people are still drawn to me, I don't yet know if it is because I am like that accident on the side of the road you cant look away from or if I really still shine bright enough for those truly in need.     

Error 404 Heart Not Found

   My grandmother, Anne Bailey was a huge part of my world. I loved her and I know she loved me. She passed away in 1993 from lung and breast cancer. I was just a tiny human myself back then, I was still in kindergarten. Everyone at the funereal cried, everyone except for one little tiny human. The same thing happened in 1999 at the passing of my grandfather Harry Bailey. Everyone cried except for one not as tiny human.

     I don't think it was me being strong, no one needed me to be strong for them. It was not out of a lack of sorrow. Many tears have been shed long after they have passed and at this moment tears are falling. More than anything I think it displays some kind of emotional disconnect that has played out my entire life so far. It sure as hell is not a mastery of my emotions. As of late those have been all over the map.

     Next month my divorce will be final. Ending are hard and it has been said all good things must come to an end. I say if it was good for everyone why would it end? Hurt is part of life and I have been hurt by many some of them were rather shocking to be honest. However I myself am not blameless in the hurting department, so no stones shall be cast from me. A rather smart and amazing person said something to me that stuck recently, "Broken people break people". I know this to be true because I have been on both sides.

     For some reason people come to me, they come to me to unburden and to seek advice. I question why they do because if you look at my life right now it is not the life of someone who has it all figured out. Maybe they figure experience is the best teacher and I have learned some shit along the way? They would not be entirely incorrect in thinking so. I know how to make a good mix drink, have some awesome movie and book recommendations and can tell you how to get off.

     Yes, I can and often do give some OK advice. However advice is often easier to give and hard for myself to take even when it is my own. But I finally did, I re-entered the world of the single people after a short break. Not because she is not amazing. not because she did anything wrong but because I am still broken and until I do the work I will remain broken. No one can fix me but myself.  I need to find that inner peace, process what has happened and let go of the past once and for all. If only it was as easy to do as it is to type.
           

I Changed

     It was my weekend with the tiny human. I am fighting a head cold, and I'm kind of worn down. It wasn't a bad weekend, just not as amazing as it could have been. Being sick has a way of doing that. My girlfriend spent the weekend with us; she had to go home this morning. It was a weekend of productivity, tiny human time, and all of the cuddles. I even sorted through some things and made a rather large trash pile as I purged the house of useless things not needed or left behind by others. I mowed today because my yard was out of control. I, however, had to borrow a lawn mower since mine decided not to start for me today.

     So, here I sit at the end of the weekend. Not all that I wanted to get done has been checked off the list, but my motivation and limits have been reached. I'm alone now, and being sick that tends to make me emotional. I have had probably twenty different ideas for a blog post, but I keep putting it off. I'm an emotional writer, and that in itself is a blessing and a curse. It is hard for me to just sit and write if my heart is not in it. But seeing as I am currently sober yet emotionally open after my evening of mental flogging going over the events and heart breaks of the past 365.

   
     This song became my anthem, and in many ways it still is. I grew up reading the Hardy Boys, a detective series about two young brothers solving crimes in their hometown. My father was a police officer, and between reading what I did and genetics, I have a good gut. I mean that in the sense that my instincts often tell me when something is wrong, and that unto itself is a blessing and a curse. It is a skill that I have had to rely on far more than I would like to admit when it comes to my relationships.

     I am by no means perfect, and I have had to change to survive my divorce and the loss of another important relationship that all happened at the same time. A heartbreak is one thing to deal with, but two at once will bring even the strongest person to their knees. Every time I started to stand back up, I fell or was pushed back down. I am still down, and I am at a loss as to when it will be safe to stand back up.

     I was on my way back up; I was healing. But that night at the bar, when you showed up and pretended I didn't exist, that left a mark. Being mad at me, yelling at me, I can take that. But just pretending I wasn't even there after all the kind words, fun weekends, and those nights where we meant everything to each other? I went numb finally, and I still am. I am lost and not sure how to turn my emotions back on, or if I even want to anymore.

      The pesky gut, it is a problem. You see, I had been down this road before. I knew the signs and the feelings when things are off. I know what to look for, and I know how people react in certain situations now. The people you said I was "marking territory with" were the very ones you were making plans and doing things with before we were ever over. The "We are just friends" line is one that was used on me before. In fact, the very person it was used about was my breaking point in my marriage. It was when I had checked out years ago. I felt like I deserved what happened, and there was no point in walking away because this was my life now and my worth. I believed this mantra with every fiber of my being.

    To the one I will soon be legally divorced from, I was not the best husband and I was by no means perfect. I didn't make all of your dreams come true, and I resisted going on the extravagant adventures. I know you say you loved me, but you weren't happy either. I had a hard time wanting to give you the life you wanted and making those dreams come true. You made my worst nightmares and fears come to life several times in our ten years together. Somehow, it still seems like I am to blame for you stepping out with those other people. The way you described the justification for those extra-marital adventures with those not in our marriage makes me feel like it is all my fault in the end. If I had done this not that, or that not this, you would have somehow kept those pants on. But in the end, it was that emotional cheating with that deployed airman that truly broke me.

     To the other love of my life, I pieced together many things in the final months. I loved you, and that's why I stayed and fought so hard. I did not want to let go and lose you, even though at this point we are just strangers who once had something amazing. There is not a thing you could have asked from me that I wouldn't have tried to do for you. I had never felt so wanted, so sexy, so happy, just happy with everything. I lost my strength and ignored the hard truths I knew just so I could spend more time with you, with the kids, and with friends. I craved your presence like it was a drug.

    I desperately wanted to be the one who you still craved. I had never felt such peace when I held you in my arms. It is a feeling I still crave, but I doubt I will ever replicate. Even if I can, I fear it because those sweet moments were leading up to such pain and loss. That connection for me was one of a kind and genuine. Sadly, the way things played out it makes me doubt all of the smile the hugs and I love yous. Were they genuine? Was any of it real or was it all make-believe? I know it was all too real for me. No matter what we were doing, I was happy to be doing it with you or for you. Every day I still think of you, and all too often when I am out with friends I wish you were there enjoying the moment with me. I loved you, and to an extent I still do and always will.

     So present day, I have changed. I simply had to. You see, I was cursed with this stupid big heart and desire to please people. Often that came at the cost of my mental or financial well-being. I had a realization some days ago. I am a people, and I deserve to be pleased as well. I am far less tolerant now about a lot of things. I don't feel guilty saying no or expressing what I need. I also do not respond well to guilt trips or manipulation. I shun drama and seek truth. That simply trusting and giving nature I had, well, it died. It died because all too often that kind-hearted man was taken for one too many rides. It was proven that I had value when I was needed but no value beyond that. I was made to be this way, so don't take it personally. There is a good chance you aren't one of the ones who did this to me, but in order to protect myself I had to become cold. In may ways, it is better for me this way.




   

And Now, The Rest of The Story

     I grew up on the east coast in an LDS family. The meeting house was about half an hour away and we made a few trips each week to go there. Many miles were put on the  Toyota dad drove. While the cars may have changed however there was always one constant. Oldies, country and Paul Harvey was the usual rotation on the radio. I loved his voice and can still hear it in my mind today.

     In 11 days I will be 31 and I never imagined I would be where I am right now. Soon the divorce paperwork will be filed and the clock will start on the final act of ending 10 years of marriage. There is no stopping it, no changing the outcome. Maybe in reality as hard as it is to walk away it is for the best. Life as I have known it is ending, not life itself even if I have wished for that. Was the marriage a mistake? No. But many were made by both of us over the years. 

     There are things I have been dealing with these past months that I wont go into detail about. I will say that in my most intoxicated and down situations the words that came to me always were "I don't want to hurt anymore". So much truth in those simple words. We as humans can hurt in so many ways. A broken heart and trust being one of the most brutal ways I have discovered. Being left with ones own thoughts wondering what was the truth and what was a lie can drive a sane person insane, and possibly an insane person sane.
     

     As much as I feel rejected, tossed aside and worthless. Even I cant ignore the accomplishments I have made. I can't tell you how many people have told me one time or another that they would not be here today if it were not for me. I have done good in this world. I don't know if I have made the world 10% a better place but I have tried. The things I have done wont make history books or even the local news. But I never did it for the recognition.  

     People have often praised me and asked how I can do what I do for others. It is simple, I gave selflessly because it feels good. Because, in reality I would and have put myself out to help others even if they were a stranger. People came to me, or  I found those in need without the voice to ask for help where it was needed. Life is circular and Kirk Ricks did the same for me when my family needed it. 

      If one wishes to change the world all they need to do is be passionate about something. My passion was always other people. Anyone can in reality do what I have done if they put actions behind the changes they wish to make. All too often we get sucked into our own problems and loose the scope of what we can do. Want to feel better? Do something for someone who could never repay you and never seek repayment. 

     My story is not over but this chapter is. I lived a life thus far that many would dream of but right now it is a nightmare I haven't woken from. A quality relationship will in my book be better any day over quantity. My heart hurts, my soul is tired and no amount of sleep has restored it. I feel truly empty and at a loss. But I guess the good news is, if this is my rock bottom then up is the only direction I have left. 

    I truly wish I had something more uplifting to share right now but all I have is this. But the truth is always better than a lie. 

     
   
     

Particleboard and Broken Glass

      

     I have shed many a tear, I have spent too many sleepless nights pondering the different events that have led to this moment in time. It has made for wet pillow cases, long days and a headache I cant get rid of. I have woven countless letters of the alphabet and paired them with works of art that showed thought and emotion. 

     Like a placebo effect of kissing a child's hurt finger it has left me with some relief but it has all been temporary. I have been on a journey inside myself, remembered long buried feelings and moments in time. But on my journey I come back to the same discovery the same sticking point. I find myself lacking.  

     

While that is not new information it is helpful information to have. The next step on my journey can't be accomplished with grieving, wishful thinking or the tools I currently have. Sadly the tools I need can't be bought at Lowes. If they could I would already know where to find them.  

     I am going to need to journey outside of myself and learn new things, try new ways of thinking. I am going to have to face growth and change. My bag of tricks has a hole in it and I don't yet know how to sew. But I have two choices keep on keeping on carrying these broken pieces until my end of days comes or suck it up and try not to sew myself to them in a comical way while I try and fix me. 

     The long and the short of it is I don't want to hurt anymore. One of my friends told me last year she hates dealing with problems and often puts them in nice glass jars on a shelf and keeps them there until the shelf breaks. Well last night my shelf broke. I had put one too many things on that Ikea shelf than it was rated for. My problems sprang for the shambles of broken particleboard and empty booze bottles and right now I cant afford a new shelf or enough booze to contain them all again.

Oh Monday

      Some weeks feel like Mondays, like everyday is a Monday but each one a different fresh version of the same hell. Just recycled or maybe remixed with different food each day. Strong emotions are a hell of a thing to deal with when trying to rebuild a life. But I guess that really is part of the rebuilding? I often feel trapped on a roller coaster of emotions without any end in sight. 

     January is almost over and I have avoided a new year new me post on social media. The truth is it is a new year but not much of me is new. There is less of me so I guess that is a win? Between the snow and my current financial despair the gym and hikes have not been a thing for a while now. However the inconsistent feeding schedule I have myself on is totally helping with my weight loss.  Yes I know that is not a good thing and I am working on it. 

     So, my days are pretty hectic for a few reasons. Adjusting to a single income is kind of a big switch. I am playing catch up on a few bills but I am getting things taken care of. I still have all of my vinyl equipment but haven't done much as of late. I am now a one person show and turned down a big order a while back because I knew I couldn't get it done in time by myself.

    

     Myself, still a big issue on a daily basis. I am fighting everyday with my demons. I all too often get stuck in my head at work and that really brings me down. The daily struggle with financial issues on top of my self worth and inability to find my center just compounds things. I remain social but guarded. My social circle has shrunk to a point. It is interesting the people who stick with you, run from you and run to you in a divorce.

     I struggled with the though of not coming home to a wife and my child after work each day. The feeling of not being complete is real. I had two wise and loving friends have a sit down with me and they really helped me figure out if I was in love with that as an idea or if I really wanted to make a go of things again. The end result is I was in love with the idea. There is non negotiable things each side won't budge on and a long history filled with mistrust and hurt. After some further financial matters are resolved so will be my 10 year marriage.

   

     So a new single player chapter is born. I am going to keep working on myself in ways that are best for me, done just for me and not to please anyone else. I am going to start reading more, books that I have wanted to read for a long while now that should be helpful to me. I am going to write more and hopefully soon vlog more. I am going to keep exploring the world around me and make new healthy connections.

    I fell asleep on the couch last night for the second night in a row. Woke up around 3 AM again, but last night could not fall back to sleep. So I played on my phone and cleaned out my friends list a bit. Change can be good but it still hurts at times. There are still some friendships I hope to rekindle and maybe in time I will. I don't spend my days dreaming anymore. I spend them planning for a future. The first part of that is becoming happy by myself. It is a long goal but I am worth it to obtain it. I need to learn and improve my skills. Graphic design, guitar, singing and writing are all on the list.

   Onward to coffee, to tiny human time and tonight's shenanigans with friends for a good cause.  Life goes on, simply because it must. Have a good day everyone and do something that makes you happy.
   

      

The Dude Shall Abide

     

      One of the hardest questions I get asked almost daily is "How are you today". It really shouldn't be but right now it is. Some days I am ok, as ok as I can be anyways. Some days there is just a ball of emotions in me and not all of them are good. Other days i'm level I am ok with the moment I am in. 

      One of the hardest things to let go is the idea of coming home to a wife and my child everyday. I am accepting that this divorce is the right choice for me even though it is hard. I never expected it to be easy. Trying to decide what I want for my future is a challenge. I am at a day by day point in my planning abilities on most things. 

      I for a while was on some dating sites, but they mostly seemed to end up being hookup sites or people who were sadly looking for any attention they could get. Never tried tinder, never wanted to. I didn't feel like in the end they really helped me but instead were a distraction I did not need. 

      At this point in life all I seek is friends. I joined an awesome singles group here in Utah and have met some amazing people in it. But all I currently use it for is to make new friends. It is all I can really be with people right now. I don't know if I will truly want another relationship. I know for sure I don't have the ability to have one right now. 

      I have a great adventure ahead of me figuring myself out. I have had a lot of hopes and dreams in my life so far. Now I just need to figure out what ones are worth chasing. What will make me happy in the long run even if happy is hard for me to come by right now. Step by step my life is changing.