We all have periods of suffering in our life. Sometimes it is external forces and at times internal forces that bring it on. However on very special occasions external and internal forces hold hands and tag team your ass. Suffering means different things to different people as well. Not having the money to buy the latest game or see that new movie throw some people into a spiral. It takes more than that for me.
For me suffering is worrying about providing for my child, being betrayed by someone I love or just having to wonder where my next meal is coming from and when. I have however survived these situations with 100% success rate thus far. I trend I hope to continue.
Since my separation and divorce I have had periods of suffering of different kinds. Emotional obviously was a larger period to deal with but also financial. I with help from friends found an ok job that kept me afloat but still bailing water. Friends also have helped me in more ways and times than I can count in keeping the lights on, rent paid and car fed.
Many years ago a sales manager I had asked me a question. Basically it was what did I want out of life. My answer was to thrive. I did not want to just make it by day to day I wanted to know I was financially doing ok and things were taken care of. For me that does not mean fancy cars and a giant house. It means bills are paid, food is not a concern and some money to fall back on is in the bank. I don't desire a fancy life just one I don't feel the need to escape from.
I have fallen very short of that goal. I had points of almost hitting it but not close enough. One of the things along the way I have learned is I am an emotional person, but I am human so it makes sense. My small business came crashing down during one of the most emotionally stressful times of my life. That is kind of understandable. There were two people in my life that meant the world to me that were a part of it. It really was too much for me to emotionally carry on without them.
But through that change and that pain and those late nights suffering I found something. That something was actually a few things. True friends, self worth, self respect, strength and a healthy amount of coping skills were found. Now my true self I am still working on that but our true self is a life long journey. I also gained a different vantage point of my situation. I was a believer in words and I learned to compare actions. The actions of some who said "I love you" did not add up to the words.
My circle got smaller and that has been amazing. My interactions are more meaningful and the friendships more important. It has been a process but it has been worth it. Bit by bit I am building myself, notice I did not say rebuilding? That is because what was can't and wont be rebuilt. It is in no way worth it. A few bits have been remade but still not entirely as they once were.
The change is still happening. I truly believe we become what we take in or associate with. Dwell in dark places or only take in depressing media and good luck being happy. Have you ever noticed on social media how one friend is having a bad day and talks about it soon many people are having a bad day? Just like my physical circle of friends shrank so did my digital one. That I had to do myself. I removed and unfollowed people or pages that truly did not benefit my happiness or mental well being. I removed the random strangers or those that had become strangers from my digital life.
I have started following people who inspire me or are successful in the areas of life I desire to be. My online interactions now are more personal and or uplifting. That my friends has helped my mental health more than you would believe.
This has led me to being able to make my next big change. I will be leaving my current job for one that will either sink me or give me one hell of a pool float. I got tired of the daily struggle and am doing something about it. I am changing my vocabulary from "I wish" or "I'm trying" to " I am going to". You see I am tired of unfollowed dreams and hopes and am grabbing the reigns of those that I can control. I won't allow myself to sit by treading water any longer. I am ready to thrive.
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