August 11th would have been my eleven year wedding anniversary. Now, any day now a judge will put pen to paper and legally dissolve the wedding vows we made five days shy of 11 years ago today. The emotions are truly unreal. There is no changing the events put in action last year and the papers we filed this year. Nor at this point would I try and change it. I don't need another or desire another verbal beat down a reminder of all that I had done that wasn't what she wanted.
The truth is there is not a damn thing anyone could judge me for a berate me for that I don't do to myself on a regular basis. Many people find comfort in my presence and it is a service I am often happy to provide. But for myself I feel stuck in my own skin. I would rather be anywhere else or anyone else than who I am today.
I have done many things that at the time was helpful for others and seemed important at the time. But ultimately today it all feels like nothing. Many of the people who called me brother have vanished into the night. Some even giving me a piece of there mind before blocking me or telling me to fuck off. The one who told me I was family is a painful thought and I avoid there presence at all costs. Some wounds I don't think will do more than scab over and get picked at from time to time for the rest of my days.
My involvement with The Chive... The countless arguments and attempts to shut down our chapter because we were competition was taxing and in the end not worth the effort so many of us put into it. I regret my involvement in The Chive and the deeply personal effect one of the members had on my marriage. Some wounds just cant be forgotten.I don't wish ill on many but that fucker deserves what ever pain and trauma comes his way.
Life for me and even myself has been changing. I used to swallow a lot of shit and just keep smiling. I was for lack of a better term a door mat. Something I refuse to be anymore for anyone. I have learned that if someone loves you for who you truly are that is something. If they love you for what you can do for them, you should run the fuck away.
Life is indeed strange. Single life at this point is an entirely new adventure. Sometimes like tonight its damn lonely. But the truth is its hard to find someone that just feels right. Someone to actually trust again and someone who understands how truly mind fucked I have become. Trust does not come easy and I analyze the fuck out of everything because I have been hurt and I continue to be hurt.
Damaged goods seems to be how I truly feel most of the time. However I still tend to put on the smile and do my little dance when I am around others. No one truly needs to hear about all my inner demons. Most of the time I keep this all in but sometimes the dam breaks and out it spills. It is one of those nights.
I have for the most part quit drinking right now. I had one beer last weekend 2 overall last week. The problem is I am always thinking, always analyzing and pondering moments in time. When I am sober I can kind of contain the sadness, the hopelessness and self hatred while sober. But when drinking it can all come out and its not pretty or productive. That is enough self loathing for one night goodnight everyone.
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