The Year of Accountability

     2020 is just about to be a thing. 2019 was one hell of a year with just as much good as bad to be honest. A lot of hard shit came my way this year as I expect it did for most, lets be real every year seems hard in it's own way. From personal health scares, love, love lost and death just no lubrication was issued this year. With the exception to this being my amazing new job.

     I took that major leap back into car sales and I FUCKING ROCKED IT! The first six months at Miller had some up and down paychecks. But working up in Sandy at our little mom and pop store was the best move I have made for myself. No regrets to be had about that move. I am making a living for myself for once. 

     But real talk about this upcoming year. This is not some new year new me bullshit. This is I got shit to do, obstacles to overcome and motherfucking goals. I am holding my ass accountable to accomplish them. 

     First and most important on this list, I am going to live. I far too often found myself waiting around to go do things with people and it never happened and I wasted my day or weekend just waiting... No more of that shit. There is amazing things to do and see in the area and this country and I am going to do what makes me happy even if it means I do it solo. 

But something tells me not all of my adventures will be alone. 

     I have all of these things I want to do like play guitar, write, finish my house and buy a better house. The fact of the matter is the only thing stopping me is ME. To want is not enough what I am looking to accomplish requires effort and I demand it of myself to put that effort in. Life is for the living and a day on the couch is nice but gets me no closer to any of my goals. I am holding myself accountable to accomplish shit this year. 

     My health... I owe it to myself and this tiny human to be around for as long as possible. This is a huge switch up from the days of considering getting a DNR order at 30. Has life gotten easier or that much better for me? Not so much but I got a lot of shit to do and I need to be healthier for it. I don't want to get winded putting on my shoes. I have some amazing people in life who want to help me with this and it is time to accept that help for once.  I'm gonna cut back on the junk food and rededicate myself to working out. Not just once a week like it has been. 

     I fully recognize this upcoming year is going to have its own challenges and it probably wont be easy. My depression is still a real thing but I have to better myself and get better at dealing with it. All of these things I want are truly obtainable if I work for them. 

    I am gonna get my sexy back, I know to many I look ok but I want to feel good. But I want look good and mentally feel good and this year I am not going to stop me and sure as fuck wont let anyone else prevent me from being the best me. I am gonna do me and if anyone wants to come along for the ride you better bring some healthy snacks and good tunes to share! 

Life and Changes

     I haven't written anything since July. I have done a lot of living in the past almost 5 months. I have been feeling the need to do this for weeks now but, I have been putting this off. Lots of hurt has happened and this is many ways is my therapy but I haven't been ready to face all these emotions. I still don't truly think I am but I need to try and heal so I can get back to being me. It is hard to put this all into words and have it make any semblance of sense. I think I need to do this in sections. 

Work

     The best leap I ever have taken in relation to work has been going to eAutomotive. Never have I ever had a job that is this fulfilling. I get to take my experience from everything else I have done and put it to work here. I am also learning new things as I go. 

     In September Edgar and I went on the adventure of a lifetime. We flew to Ohio and purchased a M543A2 Air Force wrecker. Then we drove it about 1,800 miles back to Utah. People thought we were nuts. I am not saying they were or are wrong it is just what we were told.

     Four days, 45 MPH, 5 MPG, One Accident, One Failed Charging system and one small fire. We were in Iowa when we were attacked from behind by A VW Bug. We were doing 45 and she was well going a lot faster. But she was ok and we were just a bit shook up. The charging system broke down and we tightened the belts and bought fresh batteries. Made it about another day that way before we put a generator and battery charger on the rear deck. 

     The small fire happened on our last day of the journey and it was not that big of a deal. Just old wiring pushed to the max. We learned how to sleep in that old truck. It took two days but we did. I even slept great on the diamond plate tool box that is the rear deck.  I don't think many people our age can say they have done what we did and we will never forget it. 

Tiny Human

     She is three now... I have a three year old... I am still not used to it. She is an amazing kid and I am lucky to have her. Some days she cries when she is dropped off and just wants her mom. That cuts me deep it really does. But she is three and there is no way for her to understand why things are this way or what it does to me. I am of course not mad or upset with her over it. Life is hard some times. 

    She loves everyone and is loved by many. She is into Unicorns and anything that sparkles. She has a growing book collection and loves to be read to. She is pretty much fully potty trained now too! That girl is so smart and I am always amazed at how fast she is growing and what she is learning. I love my Tiny Human. 

Loss

     We lost Fish... Suddenly, tragically he was gone. He died just a few miles from my house in the early morning hours from a one car accident. In the very car that I sold him months ago. No one was ready for it to happen. I think of him often and I miss that man. He was one of a kind and there will never be anyone who can replace him in my life. He was the first friend I made in Utah and we had many adventures together. 

     Right after we lost Fish a young kid died right next to work. He was just 18 years old and ad his entire life ahead of him. In the blink of an eye he was gone. We caught part of the accident on video and were able to help the police piece together what happened. When I went to airdrop the video to an officer I realized the kid was still in the car. PTSD has not been kind lately. Enough said. 

Mental Health

   I met someone amazing in August. Everything I could have asked for it was amazing. I fucked it up. With the loss of Fish, that kid and the PTSD nightmares that came with it. I fucked up. 

   I carry with me a lot of scars from my past. I have a hard time believing I am enough, that I am truly loved and desired and it just sucks. Being told "I love you" by someone while secretively they are fucking around on you and lie right to your face about it will really leave a mark. It was not a one time occurrence in my life and it has left some damage. 

   I am hyper vigilant and I notice changes in  behavior patterns and how things are said. It often leaves me believing the worst and I am going to be kicked to the curb again. She did nothing wrong we both hit a low at the same time and the weight of everything going on caused me to break and I broke it off. It was my fault for not fully talking things out and I reacted instead of trying to sort things out. I fucked up. 

     This time of year brings up a lot of emotions for me and it is never easy. This year is not any different. I have shed a few manly tears and have not been my best self. Life feels uncertain right now and I am not sure when that will change. I am doing my part to facilitate that positive mental change best as I can. It is a struggle but it is worth it. I think that is all I have in me for tonight. Hope all of you had a happy turkey day.  

Dear Bishop Part Two

     It has been 20 months since I have written to you. However I am overjoyed to say we have talked often over that span of time. It has been an epic journey that have been on but it has been so worth it! 

    You have risen and fallen many times but for once neither of us has been counting. It is very fair to say you have made this time count. As you always like to say "It is not time that heals all wounds but what you do with that time." You sir have done a lot! 

     Some of those who were on this journey  with you when I last wrote to you are no longer with you. Most of them however are gone for the better. You have finally learned much about your self worth and what you are willing to put up with in life and what you are not. It is about damn time! 

     You have always had some otherworldly pull with people. You attract all kinds, always have and probably always have. It has been hard for you to understand because until recent times you yourself have not been able to understand your own company, however that has changed for the better. 

    There is a good and a bad with this energy you have. The people you attract are not always good for you. However you are finally using that gift you have to sort through the bullshit and not be accepting of everyone. Boundaries are a beautiful thing and I am overjoyed to see you having them for once. You no longer are the people pleasing lonely person you were. You can stand to be alone with yourself and sometimes actually seek out solitude to reflect on things now. 

    Let us talk about the party boy phase. It has passed! While you have a well stocked bar in the house it is for the occasional drink and for when friends are over no longer to medicate and deal with life like it once was. The wild house parties don't really happen anymore. That was a temporary escape from the dread of reality and it no longer serves you as it once did. 

     Life is for the living and escaping it is a waste of time. You went adventuring again. However this time it was different you did what you wanted when you wanted and took some amazing friends with you. Then you traded the adventure vehicle for a motorcycle. Conquering the fear of them you have had since you were a teenager and lost a fellow firefighter to that accident. Trying new things is good and this is no different. 

     You did not go camping this year but you also haven't gotten new gear. You let the ex wife take it all and it was probably for the best. Letting go of the past is something you have gotten good at. This new life is yours and Jackies and there is nothing wrong with that at all. You fought so hard the feeling of failure and even though you contemplate often how you should just walk away you never did. Jackie loves you and you could not imagine life without that amazing Tiny Human! She is very much so the most important person in your life and there is nothing wrong with that. 

     You made a huge leap this year when it comes to work. Your number one goal is always providing for that Tiny Human. Going back into sales seemed like a stretch but Bruce wanted you back bad enough he gave you the schedule you needed to be a dad and have that job. You left sales back in 2012 when mentally you just could not take it anymore. Your relationship, your stress levels were all off and it was a good move for you. You have experienced so much that life has to offer in that time away and it only made you better. 

     

     You again made that leap from a situation you in the end were not happy with and found something amazing! The pay scale is different but this is a job and a family. Jackie loves coming to work with you and she fits right in. Your boss is literally paying for you to go back to the gym and get healthy! You sold 20 cars last month and are just getting started this month it is going to be good! 

     Let us talk about August 11th and for that matter the month of August. Yesterday would have been 12 years married. It sucks big guy, I really know it does. The past few days have been hard on you and you have been feeling off. But we got out of the house for a bit came back and took a nap. You feel so clear headed right now it is amazing. It was like a reset button for the soul. You got up and adulted its been a while but that motivation is back. 

    That marriage was no longer healthy for either of you. Actions speak louder than words and you tried in the end but it is better this way. While it has been an emotional time for you as of late you have not regretted it. Finding that self worth and healthy boundaries are beautiful.    

     You have never felt like you deserved much. That family life dream of you accept that it might just turn out to be you and Jackie. However that book is not closed. You have dated a a few people since the split. Yeah a few experiences were not amazing but it taught you a hell of a lot. You have some awesome standards and expectations of what you want out of that next relationship and partner when the time comes. 

     Life is looking up for you in big ways. The big hurt is over and you are moving onward and upward. You have that smile back most days and you have some truly special people who care in your life. For once you are one of those special people and I am proud of you! 

   So challenge time, you knew this was coming. Last time it was to take the year and fall in love with you. Took a bit longer but we have gotten there. No you don't always love yourself but no one does. The foundation has been built thought.  

     Now this is what I expect from you. Be happy! Chase the butterflies and keep going! Don't look back your past does not define you and you really don't live there anymore. Be open and accepting of the chances offered to you. Continue to tell your story and add new chapters. You have so much living to do and for once you see it. You will have good days and bad day just like anyone else but never stop. You have an amazing daughter who loves you and is loved by so many. Live the best life and FEEL just like you have been never run from feelings but embrace them and see where the road takes you. Taking time for you these past few days is 100% what was needed and you are all the better for doing so. Until next time just remember I love you! 

All the best 

Bishop Brown.

    For those just tuning in this is a follow up letter to the one I wrote myself in December of 2017. If you would like to see where I was then vs now follow this link. https://badbishop801.blogspot.com/2017/12/dear-bishop.html

Progress Report

    Ashes to ashes, dust to dust if they are from you past just ride on. Not the most poetic I know. However it could be a good life motto not on the level of Van Wilder  “You shouldn't take life too seriously…you'll never get out alive.” but a decent one. 

     I noticed a friend on FB is friends with someone from my past. I was about to ask how they knew this person but I stopped myself. You see I realized it does not matter. I don't care to have that conversation or commit time or energy to there memory. That my friends is progress. 

     Life it is a changing, mine already has so much. I joined a singles group a while back but purely for friends and socialization. I ended up finding a new job as well but that is my life it never has been normal. Things tend to be interesting and most changes good or bad happen fast. 

     I have been doing this cool thing called not dating. Focusing solely on myself, my daughter and work with some time for friends. It has been amazing. I still have my lonely this shit sucks days but they are fewer and fewer. 

     My work life is better than I could have ever dreamed of. My daughter gets to come to work with me on the days my time with her and work overlaps. It is truly a family affair at work. We actually closed early on Saturday to go enjoy a festival happening in SLC. The owner just paid for 6 months of personal training for me. Never asked for it, it just happened. I feel so very valued at my job and it is an amazing feeling. 

     I have been taking time for me doing what I want to do when I want to or can do it. I recently traded Felicia my Jeep for two wheels and the open road. Being my first bike the open road has not happened yet but I did spend some time in the church parking lot today. 

     For those this shit sucks days I do have some amazing people in my life in my corner. That helps with the suck it really does. Like I have always said it is not time that heals all wounds it is what you do with that time. Today it was sleeping, riding and an absolutely ridicules dance off in the living room with Seppi. That made for a good day and I have no regrets about how my day was spent. 

     I have been keeping my heart, hands and naughty bits to myself and I can't complain about the outcome. Falling in love with myself has always been a dream and a goal. for once it is not just lip service but action happening. I am not the party animal I was and that is 100% ok. 

    Building my life day by day is an adventure, I say building and not re building because there is nothing in the past I need to build with today. My charity organization is closed, my past romantic interests are in the past safely tucked away far from the now. It really is just me and that amazing tiny human of mine and for once that is ok. This really might be what family looks like for me and I have no desire to try and change that any time soon. 

     I have made the healthy choices that I mentally needed to and that my friends is amazing. I even learned how to sleep in the middle of the giant bed some nights! I have two amazing things I am looking forward to. Reading the Tiny Human stories tomorrow and a karaoke night for me on Thursday. I could not be happier. That is all for now and I should head to bed work comes early.  
     

A Journey of Healing... I Hope

“The soul is healed by being with children.”  — Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Russian novelist and philosopher

  

      August 31 2017 I began the hardest chapter of my story. I said "I'm done" to the same woman I said "I do" to 10 years an 20 days before. These words took a powerful summoning of will to utter out loud. With these words came the realization of the mortal bonds I was breaking. It also meant the splitting of time with the beautiful little girl we had created and I had not truly gotten to know yet. 

     I will fully admit the realization was in no way a full understanding of what was to come. But never having experienced divorce how could it be? The time between August of 2017 to August of 2018 was not a time of great joy. It was a time of sorrow, exploration, self doubt and suicidal thoughts. It was a time of fighting, dividing of assets followed up with attempts to reconcile and the dark realization that it was not possible. 

     Neither side was able to fully understand or maybe it was that we were unwilling to understand what the other needed. No compromise could be reached. Broken promises, trust and shattered dreams were all that remained besides this sweet Tiny Human that we shared custody of. Becoming a parent is an exciting time, becoming single and a single parent before that child is one is nightmare fuel for a person who's life had just ended as they knew it. The divorce was finalized August of 2018. 

     One of the places I had not returned to since the parting of ways with Rachael was where it all began. Idaho the place where we met, lived and eventually left when our marital trouble began. In a small town called Sugar City lives my other Mother the one who has shown me unconditional love and support. It had been around three years since we had last seen each other. Depression, lack of funds and fear had kept us apart.
    

     I had one of those gut feelings that for better or worse it was time to go see mom. So Sunday after the Tiny Human had gone back to her mother and I had eaten. I found myself on the couch wrestling mentally with the free time I had between then and Tuesday morning when I had to be back to work. A trip of this magnitude to a place where it all began felt very much needed but also sacred me to my core. 

     A call to my emotional support Laura and another to mom the plan was set into motion. You see Laura is one of my very best friends and she has seen me on top of the world and on top of a cliff ready to call it quits. This woman is truly one of my best friends and a literal life saver. She also doubles as a photographer and with the exception of the first picture all of them have thus far been taken by her. A journey like this I had no clear understanding of how it would mentally effect me. So going alone did not really seem like a safe option. 

     We rolled into Rexburg around 1 AM and I gave her the quick tour of the little town where I met my ex, where I worked and where I spent time with friends. After that little trip down memory lane we made it to Sugar City. Walking in the door about 2 AM. We woke up Joy who had been waiting for us. We talked, Joy shared stories of raising me and other embarrassing things. After a while we told her to get some sleep. Laura and I both being night owls took a late night trip to Tetonia and St Anthony. I showed here where we lived in good times and where we were when the problems began. 

     After that we snagged some fast food and headed back to Sugar for some much needed rest. It was about 4 AM when we got back to moms house and called it a night. I awoke around 10:45 in the morning and she got up a while after. Spent some time with mom caught up some more and headed back to St Anthony to see some friends. 

                   

     We walked into the Eastern Idaho Art Lab and found Dan holding down the front desk. Before he could look up I cracked a joke and got to see the smile on his face as he recognized my voice and looked up. We both laughed and from the back I heard Kara saying she knew that laugh and it was hugs and smiles all around. After a guided tour of the Art Lab it was time to relax. Coffee and fresh cut melon was served and we caught up, swapped stories and shared pictures of projects. We talked shop, swapped some ideas and finally they got a bit of the back story that led to the modern day version of me. 

     All too soon we had to re enter reality. After a daylight tour of my old stomping grounds, some ice cream and a visit to the supermarket we were headed back to mom. More stories were shared and some motherly observations given. Mom gave me the same speech I give Adam " Let's not wait so long before you visit again" Followed by the request I come back for her birthday. Laura and I said our goodbyes and hit the road. 

     we stopped for some Jack In the Box because well we don't have them around our neck of the woods. Followed up by a brief stop at Frontier Pies in Rexburg so Laura could get a pie at the last remaining location. She used to work at one here in Utah. Our final stop was in Rigby Idaho to meet up with Adam who had just left Utah on Sunday. We caught him on his way home and just hung out for a while. 

     The drive home was full of random conversation. it was also full of enough silence on my part that Laura had to inquire what I was thinking about. She enjoyed getting a glimpse into parts of what was once my life before she ever knew me. We reached Lehi about 30 minutes before midnight and we parted ways. I got home just before midnight and lugged a few things in from the car. It wasn't until around 1 AM I was able to get some rest.

The Aftermath 

     Dear reader if you have made it this far you are a trooper and I apologize for boring you. I mostly write to sooth my mind and release my ills the way only writing can. However if you have somehow found something redeeming that helps you, you are indeed welcome. 

     Tuesday I was rather exhausted from the whirlwind trip and not the most productive. Today was my burn day but in all honesty I could not make it all day. The chipper attitude I woke up with soon turned to easily frustrated and then lost in my thoughts. I bowed out so I could come home and take care of my head. My job is a mental job and if I am not on my A game I am not of real use to my employer. 

     The human mind is an interesting thing. Mine seems to ponder often the events of the past and find new ways to relive old events. Sometimes it is healing other times distracting and yet still it can be emotional. Dear reader my divorce still brings me anger, sadness and the feeling of despair that one feels deep in the human soul. Each time I re hash the events of the past two years I come to the same understanding that unless I was willing to compromise on things that would have continued to have a negative impact on my mental and emotional well being no compromise or different ending could be made.  Yes the end still hurts and I am working through it and the new things my mind brings to light every day but at least there should be a grand healing at some point and not endless suffering. I hope in part this journey home in some way brings me closure. With that I end this post as I think it has gone on long enough. 

  

Me Time

     One of the things I have historically sucked at is taking time for myself. I would always put off what I wanted to do for the sake of others or hold myself back from doing something because no one else wanted to go. Well I am slowly allowing myself to adventure on my own.

     Last I actually took myself out to karaoke and even bought myself two beers. I did not try and invite anyone to come with or inform anyone I was going out. It was kind of like I took myself out on a date and it was enjoyable. 

     I have had a hard go of things as late in relation to a huge health scare and well not the best love life. Just when I had started to accept my single status and fell into a work and home routine someone came along and wanted to date me and I went for it. I had accepted my single and alone status and was starting to enjoy myself but I chased that dream of having a family and not being alone. Suddenly and without warning it again was over and I was empty, hurt and kind of angry at the situation and myself. 

    It set me back and left me with more questions than answers. I was mad at myself for backsliding from the progress I had made for myself being single. There were things that felt off and I ignored them because I was happy and she has three amazing kids that I adored. 

     I have been dealing with a lot of well anger I guess is the best word for it about my divorce. Angry for choices we both made, angry that we could not work things out. Angry that I don't get to see my child every day or live with her full time. But I always come to the same conclusion no matter what because of many different reasons we were destined to not work things out and there would not have been a happy medium or outcome for us. 

     My wild party days are for the most part behind me and I truly desire to be a family man and I am realizing more and more my family portrait might just be my daughter and myself and I need to make it the best that I can for the both of us. I do the best I can for her when we are together and I am pushing myself to do better for me as well because for once I believe I am worth it. 

     I have spent too many sleepless nights upset over the way others have treated me or worried about those that in the end never cared about who I was but more so what I could do for them. It was never worth it and in reality I should have thanked them for showing those true colors to me. I just wasn't smart enough to make that mental leap or emotional strong enough to stand up for myself. 

     My experience has taught me not to chase people for any reason if they want to go or really feel the need to play mind games to feel chased they are not for me. Life is too short to live it for others fully and I have come to that conclusion. People will come and go in life and leave you with fond memories or a life lesson. 

     I have become more reclusive in ways and more likely to people watch than jump into the mix. It has served me well and I have taught myself what to get involved in and what and who to run from and I have no regrets about it anymore. I am not cold, I am just smart about my well being. 

     I had one of my best months in sales for the month of May. I had lots of trials both physical and emotional and I came out on top. If I can turn that personal train wreck of a month into success at work I have a good future ahead of me and some personal goals to meet. On that note dear readers I am going to get off this soap box and head for bed. Its starting to creak and groan and I have a new month to start at work just waiting for me to be successful. Goodnight all! 

   

    

Scars

     

     I have never willingly practiced self harm, but you wont often see me without socks on. The mind is an interesting thing. Some time ago when I found out I was being cheated on for some reason that stress manifested in a weird way. I would dig at my own feet in my sleep. 

  I would not know I was doing it, it would always happen in my sleep. When I say dig I really mean dig. I never used to sleep with socks on however that seems to be the one thing that helps prevent my foot destruction. I say helps because some times it still happens. In fact at times random parts of my body get a phantom itch that I cant reach all related to stress.

  

   It is a real thing and it sucks. Ever since that first time any time I am truly stressed it comes back. I try to ignore it but it is hard to do. Right now its pretty bad.Combine this byproduct of stress with depression and well it's a nightmare.

   Last month was hard, I did not hit my sales goals I needed to for myself. That triggered another episode of stress itching. Life has not been easy on me and well I guess I never expected and easy life nor was I owed one. I always find it funny, anytime anyone ever rubs my shoulders or attempts to rub my back without fail they remark how tense I am. 

  The truth is at this point in life I always am. I have taken enough hits it life that I honestly am scared when things feel comfortable or happy. Experience has taught me that is when things are about to go to shit. I am always waiting for that next blow because it is what I am used to now. Therefore I am always tense. 

 The rules to the game are ever changing. That thought crossed my mind over the last few days. Whenever I made a life change to please someone not long after that tends to be when they exit stage left. 

  Some life changes are good I guess. If you have know me for a while and followed me on social media there was a time you would have usually known where I was. I openly shared my location and checked in on FB if I was out hanging out. I was open and vocal about most things and usually had a few friends around at any given time. 

  Now, well I fairly silent when it comes to my day to day life. This blog being the main exception to that statement. I used to gather with friends at least once a week to have some social time and vent, eat and play games. Now I work, spend time with my daughter and mostly keep to myself. I don't venture out for karaoke every week like I once did. I also don't drink hardly at all anymore. 

  I learned a quiet life shared with few makes less chances of drama and brain damage. Years ago I was a social butterfly and people I did not eve know would recognize me in public and come say hi. I don't actually miss that. The look on my daughters face when she gets to see me is truly the best thing. 

  The mental scars of the past I still fight. Am I not doing enough? Am I being to needy? Am I too much? Am I going to get hurt again like before? Those are all ever present thoughts in my internal monologue. Hopefully some day I will be able to dismiss them but today is not that day...