One of the things I have historically sucked at is taking time for myself. I would always put off what I wanted to do for the sake of others or hold myself back from doing something because no one else wanted to go. Well I am slowly allowing myself to adventure on my own.
Last I actually took myself out to karaoke and even bought myself two beers. I did not try and invite anyone to come with or inform anyone I was going out. It was kind of like I took myself out on a date and it was enjoyable.
I have had a hard go of things as late in relation to a huge health scare and well not the best love life. Just when I had started to accept my single status and fell into a work and home routine someone came along and wanted to date me and I went for it. I had accepted my single and alone status and was starting to enjoy myself but I chased that dream of having a family and not being alone. Suddenly and without warning it again was over and I was empty, hurt and kind of angry at the situation and myself.
It set me back and left me with more questions than answers. I was mad at myself for backsliding from the progress I had made for myself being single. There were things that felt off and I ignored them because I was happy and she has three amazing kids that I adored.
I have been dealing with a lot of well anger I guess is the best word for it about my divorce. Angry for choices we both made, angry that we could not work things out. Angry that I don't get to see my child every day or live with her full time. But I always come to the same conclusion no matter what because of many different reasons we were destined to not work things out and there would not have been a happy medium or outcome for us.
My wild party days are for the most part behind me and I truly desire to be a family man and I am realizing more and more my family portrait might just be my daughter and myself and I need to make it the best that I can for the both of us. I do the best I can for her when we are together and I am pushing myself to do better for me as well because for once I believe I am worth it.
I have spent too many sleepless nights upset over the way others have treated me or worried about those that in the end never cared about who I was but more so what I could do for them. It was never worth it and in reality I should have thanked them for showing those true colors to me. I just wasn't smart enough to make that mental leap or emotional strong enough to stand up for myself.
My experience has taught me not to chase people for any reason if they want to go or really feel the need to play mind games to feel chased they are not for me. Life is too short to live it for others fully and I have come to that conclusion. People will come and go in life and leave you with fond memories or a life lesson.
I have become more reclusive in ways and more likely to people watch than jump into the mix. It has served me well and I have taught myself what to get involved in and what and who to run from and I have no regrets about it anymore. I am not cold, I am just smart about my well being.
I had one of my best months in sales for the month of May. I had lots of trials both physical and emotional and I came out on top. If I can turn that personal train wreck of a month into success at work I have a good future ahead of me and some personal goals to meet. On that note dear readers I am going to get off this soap box and head for bed. Its starting to creak and groan and I have a new month to start at work just waiting for me to be successful. Goodnight all!
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