Life and Changes

     I haven't written anything since July. I have done a lot of living in the past almost 5 months. I have been feeling the need to do this for weeks now but, I have been putting this off. Lots of hurt has happened and this is many ways is my therapy but I haven't been ready to face all these emotions. I still don't truly think I am but I need to try and heal so I can get back to being me. It is hard to put this all into words and have it make any semblance of sense. I think I need to do this in sections. 

Work

     The best leap I ever have taken in relation to work has been going to eAutomotive. Never have I ever had a job that is this fulfilling. I get to take my experience from everything else I have done and put it to work here. I am also learning new things as I go. 

     In September Edgar and I went on the adventure of a lifetime. We flew to Ohio and purchased a M543A2 Air Force wrecker. Then we drove it about 1,800 miles back to Utah. People thought we were nuts. I am not saying they were or are wrong it is just what we were told.

     Four days, 45 MPH, 5 MPG, One Accident, One Failed Charging system and one small fire. We were in Iowa when we were attacked from behind by A VW Bug. We were doing 45 and she was well going a lot faster. But she was ok and we were just a bit shook up. The charging system broke down and we tightened the belts and bought fresh batteries. Made it about another day that way before we put a generator and battery charger on the rear deck. 

     The small fire happened on our last day of the journey and it was not that big of a deal. Just old wiring pushed to the max. We learned how to sleep in that old truck. It took two days but we did. I even slept great on the diamond plate tool box that is the rear deck.  I don't think many people our age can say they have done what we did and we will never forget it. 

Tiny Human

     She is three now... I have a three year old... I am still not used to it. She is an amazing kid and I am lucky to have her. Some days she cries when she is dropped off and just wants her mom. That cuts me deep it really does. But she is three and there is no way for her to understand why things are this way or what it does to me. I am of course not mad or upset with her over it. Life is hard some times. 

    She loves everyone and is loved by many. She is into Unicorns and anything that sparkles. She has a growing book collection and loves to be read to. She is pretty much fully potty trained now too! That girl is so smart and I am always amazed at how fast she is growing and what she is learning. I love my Tiny Human. 

Loss

     We lost Fish... Suddenly, tragically he was gone. He died just a few miles from my house in the early morning hours from a one car accident. In the very car that I sold him months ago. No one was ready for it to happen. I think of him often and I miss that man. He was one of a kind and there will never be anyone who can replace him in my life. He was the first friend I made in Utah and we had many adventures together. 

     Right after we lost Fish a young kid died right next to work. He was just 18 years old and ad his entire life ahead of him. In the blink of an eye he was gone. We caught part of the accident on video and were able to help the police piece together what happened. When I went to airdrop the video to an officer I realized the kid was still in the car. PTSD has not been kind lately. Enough said. 

Mental Health

   I met someone amazing in August. Everything I could have asked for it was amazing. I fucked it up. With the loss of Fish, that kid and the PTSD nightmares that came with it. I fucked up. 

   I carry with me a lot of scars from my past. I have a hard time believing I am enough, that I am truly loved and desired and it just sucks. Being told "I love you" by someone while secretively they are fucking around on you and lie right to your face about it will really leave a mark. It was not a one time occurrence in my life and it has left some damage. 

   I am hyper vigilant and I notice changes in  behavior patterns and how things are said. It often leaves me believing the worst and I am going to be kicked to the curb again. She did nothing wrong we both hit a low at the same time and the weight of everything going on caused me to break and I broke it off. It was my fault for not fully talking things out and I reacted instead of trying to sort things out. I fucked up. 

     This time of year brings up a lot of emotions for me and it is never easy. This year is not any different. I have shed a few manly tears and have not been my best self. Life feels uncertain right now and I am not sure when that will change. I am doing my part to facilitate that positive mental change best as I can. It is a struggle but it is worth it. I think that is all I have in me for tonight. Hope all of you had a happy turkey day.