Am I bitching or planning?

     Buckle up Buttercup this is gonna be a long one. I am still moving over past posts to my new site http://schrodingerssmile.com/
It is a work in progress with about 20 or so posts to move over. I am re reading them as I post them and adding modern day comments on a lot of the photos. While doing that I still gotta keep writing because I feel it in my soul. 

     Last month I had a friend come over and burn sage in the house. Felt good never done that before. That was step one. Burning the sage was to purify the house something I had never done. But I too needed some personal cleansing. 

    I met with friends in a windy, wet and cold evening May 22nd. I was advised to write down a list of what I wanted to cleanse from myself. That lost ended up being an 8 page epic slog. I read some of it out loud however it was raining and some of it started to smear. I think writing that list got a lot of poison out of me. 

     It felt good to read the bits I did out loud. The list got burnt because the shit on it is not coming staying with me. I need to quit revisiting the past and the pain it brings with it so often. Along with burning that list I also sent the hat I was married in and the small wooden token from Cove Fort that I got on my trip with Vanessa. 

     Ashes to ashes dust to dust, for better or worse that shit is gone now. Also burning cowboy hats do not smell pleasant. I had some reservations about burning the hat. But in the end I realized all it did was sit in the closet and haunt me. I am not going back to that past relationship and I had way too much emotion tied to that damn hat. So I set it free and there is no bringing it back. 

     I am a skeptical believer if things like this. I have my questions and reservations about them being real or helpful but I am willing to personally try them out. I firmly believe that some of the magic if you will is in the ceremony of it all. However I can not disagree, debunk or speak ill of the impact it has made on my life. 

     It was 100% a good experience. I could have done without the cold rain but honestly the weather seemed fitting. I feel lighter not in the physical sense but emotionally, spiritually and mentally. I have had a few friends ask me questions related to the past and I have answered them honestly and freely but I did not dwell in that moment after the Q&A session. 

     I remember what happened, I still have those lessons I learned that I keep with me but I don't cling to the memories, grief and in some cases anger like I once did. That shit is not even on the shelf anymore it too was set free. This does not mean I have forgiven and forgotten there are some people that will never again have a chance to fuck with me, to talk to me or to sit at my table. Most of those people will find themselves blocked on all of my social media outlets. They have no place in my life or reason to know what I am up to. 

     I am painting and creating again. I am still reading and learning. I am healing. That unto itself is powerful. The painting above has been in my head for a few years now but I haven't had the ability to sit down and make it part of this physical world. I probably could have forced it out but it would not have been the same. The next picture will be of it finished. It now sits above my writing desk in my room. 

     That picture is something I made from one of my favorite Blue October songs and images. It really is a song that speaks to me. I have tickets to the next show in Utah if that is still a thing. I feels good to look up from my desk or even my bed and see something I created for me on my wall. 

     I set some goals a while back for my personal growth. One of them was to read for at least 10 minutes a day. Have I stuck to it? I stuck to it like a Utah driver with a speed limit. I don't read every day but I am still reading and growing. Some times updating the old blog posts, making new posts takes priority. AS long as I am doing something that feels healing and productive I think I am doing ok. 

    I have not bees as connected to my social media. Yes I still post and check from time to time but I don't constantly check my phone or instantly reply to every message. My phone and I used to be attached at the hip and that was not healthy or productive for me. Distancing myself from social media and constant contact with people has in some ways helped with my depression, lessened my anxiety and increased my productivity at home and work. But the big one? I live in the moment a lot more now than I ever have. That is truly freeing.  

     The purging my house and property of my past life has been beneficial. I feel more at home when I am at home than ever. The simple act of replacing my old towels that I bought with my ex wife and getting ones that I picked out felt empowering. As stupid as it might sound it helps. The purge is still happening but i would say it is 75% done. 

    Ok so a handful of people challenged me to write positive affirmations down and say them daily. I did it... But I don't feel like it did anything for me. For some people it works and if you haven't tried it no harm in giving it a shot. But for me, meh not noteworthy. 

     One massive realization that I kind of already new but hit home from all this self work has been... Effort if you want to do anything or change anything in your life it is going to take honest effort. Not this I did it for a day shit but being committed to the end goal. We all have bad days, we all need a break or have a day to slack off but we cant stay idle if we want any real change. But I can honestly say I have no right to bitch about anything in my life unless I am willing to do something about it. But I think this is a standard we should all hold our selves to as well. 

    I think the most validating question we can ask ourselves is simply this. "Am I bitching right now or am I planning?" It is a simple question with a simple answer. If you are just bitching give yourself a 5 count let it out and move the fuck on. If you are planning, well by all means dive deeper and figure it out. No one will do it for you so make it a good plan. 

     So the wrap up to all of this. This Thursday the 4th we close the ritual we started. This is when I need to decide what I am welcoming into my life after the great purge. My home work is to come up with a phrase that incorporates what I am seeking out. I kind of have one but its not the one yet. More thought is required. So that is what I am going to do today. Thanks for reading and stay tuned for more updates. 

:(:

     

      

     

Clean Up On Aisle Bishop

     Things are in transition right now. That simple sentence I feel has more depth than anyone outside of my head can grasp. First I will get the simple stuff out of the way. I now have a website for this very blog. I am moving over my old posts to it right now. For the sake of keeping things and order I am posting on here tonight. I NEED to write. I also don't need to subject myself to reading about my past right now. It is kind of a bad head trip in some spots. Anyways the new web address is http://schrodingerssmile.com/. Take a look if you want. 

     I am currently blogging from this very desk. I took all the random crap that had collected off the desk and made myself a reading and writing location in my bedroom. I have been doing a metric fuck ton of reading and writing. However for once this writing has been somewhat personal and done on paper with mechanical pencil. 

     This book is the reason for all of the writing. It has a lot of powerful and thought provoking questions. I will even openly admit that some of these writing assignments have moved me to tears. But in this case that is a good thing. I have had a hard time getting all of the emotions out. So props to this book for helping me on that journey. I highly recommend it  to anyone looking to do some creative and guided self exploration and discovery. 

     My self work and self love adventure has had some ups and some downs. On mothers day I got a wild hair and took a motorcycle ride up Provo Canyon at 4 AM. It was cold and I got frozen. But for the first time that I can recall I got up before the sun on purpose and went to watch the sun rise. 

      It was cold and beautiful. I was also only running on four hours of sleep. Yeah some nights have been longer than expected. But it was worth it. If I do it again I will be wearing many more layers. 

     I have no regrets over buying the bike. It has proven to be a good outlet when I need out of the house and out of my head. You can really only think about so much when you have music playing and need to focus on not falling over or crashing. 

     I have been painting again. This one was at the request of  a Facebook friend. She recently lost her son and he was a big Johnny Cash fan. A not as nice version of this was the original and resides in my house. I made it in the early part of my separation before the divorce. 

     I have a new project waiting for me in the kitchen. It has been a few days since I have touched it but I have been busy with other pursuits. Maybe this weekend I will finish it up. It will probably have more personal meaning for myself than impress anyone but I gotta get it out of my head and into the world. It very well might find a new home over this desk I am sitting at. 

     A lot of what I am doing feels good, really good. Other times kind of like tonight I am awash with emotions good and bad and thoughts productive and some depressing. But I have to carry on with my mission. This is possibly the most important thing I will ever do in my life and purely for myself. I see patterns that repeat far too often and the end result of that pattern is depression and misery. I am ready to cancel my subscription and find new ways to entertain myself. 

     Part of this journey does not live on paper. A large part of it is simply to keep moving. Sometimes this momentum comes from the good people and influences in life. At other times it entirely has to come from within. I recently made two lists of projects. One was outside projects and another inside projects. Mothers day weekend my amazing roommate was on the same wavelength or something and we plowed through a very large portion of the outside projects. 

     The shipping pallet planter garden was at one time destined to be a glass top coffee table. But part of this journey has been letting go of past ideas and creating new ones. I have had that shipping pallet for about two years. I made no movement on the idea of a coffee table but the flower garden I was able to knock out in an afternoon. 

     I am also trying to be more positive and active in my Tribe group. I think in some small way I might even be inspiring and motivating others to try some self love. That video was one I Shared in my group. 

     I have had to learn a lot of lessons. I typically learn the really super extra hard way. Why? Because I am special like that. With all this self love and personal growth comes a hell of a lot of personal reflection. Dear Cthulhu it can be uncomfortable. 

     I have been trying new things. I had my friend Kim come smudge my house not too long ago. I am what you can call a skeptical believer in such things. I am willing to believe and also willing to ponder the results deeply. So far my pondering has led me to believe it works. Now does it work based off the belief behind it or because the act of doing itself is freeing and ritualistic enough to summon a personal change? That I cant answer but I think both are an acceptable answer. 

    Tomorrow I am going to a friends house for a personal cleansing ritual much like what was done to my house. My homework for this was to write down what I need to get out of me. Like the really gross vile shit that haunts me and drags me down. You know emotional stuff. I am 33 and have never done this. My writing ended up being 8 pages long. I got some shit I am ready to purge. I will report back more on this later. 

     So now that I got the productive and positive things about my life out into the world... We are going to dive into what is currently swimming around in my head. 

     I have this amazing ability to meet people I connect with and for the sake of this writing we will select the portion of people I could see myself being with and building a life with. I seem to become important, loved and needed to these people. Like deep connection this feels like something real. But, not too long after think the span of a few weeks to months like less than three months... I become not the center of affection or desire but the option. Something comes up or often someone and all of the sudden I go from being the star quarter back of the wining team to well the bench warmer. 

     This has a really bad negative influence on my emotions, self worth and my heart. But time and time again this happens to me. Like a moth to a flame I crave that connection and sense of belonging to another. It always ends this same way. It has in a lack for a better term personally reinforced the belief I hold that I am a disposable person. 

     I can not say that I entirely agree with my disposable person opinion. However, I have collected enough examples of this theory to make it hard to disprove. Shitty I know. But this is a real though that swims around in my head. 

    I long for this human connection. Now I can say I have some good friendships that are amazing. But it is not a replacement for what I am missing. But I have gotten to the point where I am literally scared to seek it out.

     Yes the end result of finding this love and connection I seek would make the suffering from failed attempts worth it. However, the belief that I am going to be successful in finding it has grown very small. So for right now I have stopped searching for it. Easy to say hard to do in practice. 

   I am not to be found on any dating apps or sites. I cleaned house on social media. I don't go out to social events on a whim. If I go someplace public it is usually pre meditated. I really don't put myself out to be found. My heart still will occasionally do the happy dance or flutter when I talk to someone and I feel like we vibe or I catch the attention of someone I find attractive. I don't know how to stop that from happening. 

    What I do know how to do right in this moment is recognize I am a bag of spare parts and crossed wires. I have no business being with anyone or being anyone's anything right now. Other than my commitment to my daughter to be her father and to my employers to be a good employee. I just need to be solo and keep up the path I am on.

    For once I recognize I am not strong enough for another emotional set back. For once I have to pick me. I have to refill my emotional and mental health or life will get so much worse. So for now I am going to be selfish and that is a new trick for me. But at the end of the day I really NEED to believe I am fucking worth it because no one else can do this for me. 

:):   

Let me be Myself

      The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. I tried to research a source for this quote and the best answer I have gotten so far is Einstein did not say it. Whoever said it they were in fact not wrong. I can fully agree with and see its truth in my own life. No matter how many Ted Talks, songs I sing or blog posts I write nothing will change in my life without effort. Not one single social media post about how hard things in my head might be has done anything either. Go figure, right? 

     I can say one day not so long ago this song did hit home however. There are A LOT of things that I myself hold me back from doing. Not bad things, not crazy things but productive and maybe even helpful things. I can maybe somewhat contribute this to my childhood. I recall a few things like getting a chemistry set and a microscope for Christmas one year but never really being allowed to touch or use them "Because I am not ready" another one is once on a trip to Gettysburg we purchased a quill and ink set. I was super excited to get to make ink and try writing with it but always got the answer of "Not right now" that turned into something that I never got to do... Ever...

     I recognize two things, one at 33 years of age I am no longer a child and I make my own choices now. Two I see this things play out in my current life. I constantly tell myself "I am not ready yet" about way too many things. I also recognize that I too often tell my daughter "Not right now" and often it is when I am not in the mood to do something or I am freaking exhausted. However, I CAN NOT let "Not right now" turn into never for her. I own this flaw in me and I will not repeat the past. 

     So back to that opening quote. These two phrases of in my life "Because you are not ready" and "Not right now" are going out the window. I can't always not be ready to let me be myself. I am also recognizing other patterns in my life that often take me off my high pony of progress and knock me back into the dirt and often emotionally back to square one. Yes I  said pony, I don't feel like I have progressed to a high horse yet. Deal with it...

     Sunday I checked a box off my list of goals. "Because you are not ready" took a flying fuck out the proverbial window. I always wanted to cruise Provo Canyon on the bike. So a little backstory. I had my first bike gifted to me in Connecticut. It did not run and before I ever ordered my parts for it a fellow member of the Old Lyme Fire Department died on his bike. Mine, it got sent to the scrap yard. At 32 years of age I traded my 96 Cherokee and some cash for a V Star 1100. My only regret so far is that my friend who helped me work on the Jeep perished in a single car accident October of last year and that Jeep held some good memories. 

     I started out with late night adventures around Orem. Because good hell traffic can be crazy in this town. A few church parking lot adventures and the one time last year my roommate took the bike up to South Fork for me I could have some on road experience was the sum of my adventures to this year. I am cautious and if I feel like I have a better chance of hurting myself than accomplishing my ride I make different plans. Sunday I NEEDED out of the house and I really needed a break from my own bullshit. I was in my head about something and it was mentally and emotionally killing me. So I did in fact head up that canyon. I even made it to Heber. A grand total of over 60 miles got added to the bike. 

     when I ride I have gotten comfortable enough to enjoy some tunes. Well for me on that ride I had only two things I could focus on. Don't crash and enjoy the music. I cant say any song really stood out to me but I enjoyed the ride and got a confidence boost out of it. I even got my first biker wave!! I was kinda too nervous to take my hand off the handle bars and wave back.... But I am working on it. 

     Ok so backtracking I am working on some goals and over coming that not ready situation. That book in the first pic is the one I am working through right now. I can't yet give it my Bishop seal of approval but I like it so far. My goal is 20 minutes five days a week of reading and working through that thing. Still need to do it for today but it also encourages writing while doing it. Hey look at me writing and stuff. 

     So circling back to wrap this up. Just telling myself I am not ready to do something but taking no action nets me no progress. I always wanted to buy a domain name and write more. My hang up? Well my punctuation, capitalization and such I do not feel confident in. So.... I signed up for a English 101 course online. it was like $15 and gives me the ability to overcome that "Not ready" situation. I have purchased two web domains. One is for this blog and the other is for the podcast. I have also been doing an online course I purchased years ago for online marketing. Not a bad skill to have and at the time I had a small business. Never did the course and closed the business around the time I got divorced. Kinda lost my spark. 

     

    I painted these shoes for my daughter two weeks ago. She loves them and they are currently one of her favorite pairs. I am creating once again. I am allowing myself to be me again. The house is cleaner, I am reading again and guitar practice is even happening. I am taking steps to eliminate these excuses from my past and living life. Baby steps and in some cases giant leaps forward. But I am no longer satisfied holding myself back. 

     That attempt at singing Let me be Myself is by no means perfect but it is a work in progress. The final pattern currently on my mind the one that often hurts me the deepest. I had some fucked up relationships. Ones that I stayed in for too long or fought too hard to keep when in reality they were not worth it. I see myself still doing some of those last ditch attempts in my modern days. I often try to be MR perfect and help out too much. I overspend, over extend myself and invest too much too soon at times. It is part of my flawed programming and it is something I am working on. I need to not be so giving so soon and so free with my heart. It gets me hurt, it knocks me down when it blows up in my face and in the end brings on some amazing depression. This is where self love has to come in for me. I deserve better as much as I hate the term deserve better and I need to hold myself to a higher standard and show some restraint. Not going to happen overnight but I am working on it. 

    With that one of many confessions and realizations I have shared. I want to say thank you dear reader if you have made it this far in my ramblings. I hope it in some way might help someone reading this as much as it helps me to write it. Have a good one everyone! I have some reading to do and less than an hour to do it.   

I am proud

     This is what my bathroom mirror currently looks like. I am a good person, I am present, I WILL be nice to myself, I can do good things and its ok to feel. You might ask yourself why this is on my mirror. I am truly trying to slay my demons and make a better me. I have been on the mental and emotional struggle bus. But I am trying to get off of it. This takes work and I have been challenged a few times now to do this but find reasons not to. Well I am sure I could find reasons not to now but... I want to heal. 

     So this post will be  a bit different not a bitch session, not venting not the norm. Today I am going to let myself be proud of me and recognize some things I have done and survived over the past few years. This is gonna get real so either buckle up or get the fuck on out. 

    I am proud of me for making the hardest choice of my life to get divorced. It meant not getting to be with my kid every day and that was a hard pill to swallow. But it also meant breaking the cycling of hurt and pain. As always I declare I was not perfect or a saint in my marriage but as much as it sucked it needed to come to an end it was not healthy.

    I am proud that I let myself be true to me and quit going to church. For much of my church going years I went to make my parents happy when on the inside it made the self loathing worse and I felt suicidal. Now I live my own life and my parents have to deal. 

   I am proud of myself for still being on this earth. After my separation and divorce there were a few instances I wanted to just end it all. In all but one instance I reached out. The one time I didn't a friend found me and stopped me. 

    I am proud of myself for taking chances. I left a job that was stable buy I was financially struggling at. I went back to car sales something I never thought I would have gone back to in a million years. It was scary and could have turned out worse than what I was financially dealing with. But here I am a year and some change later still at it. 

   I am proud of myself for blocking someone I once loved but was horribly toxic from my FB. She lied to me, she cheated on me, she gave me an STD (curable and long since taken care of) and she continued to find ways to fuck with me in the present. I realized how toxic she was for my mental health and well being and I blocked her ass. 

   I am proud that I don't turn to alcohol to deal with my pain. I learned to recognize when I should and should not be drinking. I realized the negative impact it had on me when I was already emotional and now its not even an option I will consider when I am not feeling well. I also am capable of just having one drink and not needing to get smashed. 

    I am proud of myself for removing fake friends and manipulative people from my life. There was a time when I was so desperate for friendship and in some cases love that I would put up with anything. I no longer tolerate bullshit and call it as I see it now. 

  I am proud of myself for continuing to try and improve myself and recognizing when I have areas I can work on. I still have my periods of "Shit sucks" and sometimes spending too much time there but I am getting and have gotten better.

   I am proud of myself for not avoiding these thoughts, emotions or problems in my life. I am proud for being proactive about things and not just finding distractions. It in some ways is not easier but also in the long run I have the hope and expectation that this will be productive and healing. Giving me the resolutions, answers and tools I need to be a better me. 

     As stupid as it might sound it felt really good to write that. Maybe this blog post wont help anyone else but tonight it helped me. I hope all of you are doing ok and I will probably be posting again soon.    

     

        

Deep Thoughts and Being Self Aware

     It is some strange days indeed. Time seems to pass more slowly and with less meaning. But maybe that is just me. with the passage of time comes thinking, with thinking comes self reflection and with that the self imposed question. "How can I be better?". For me being better includes things like being more healthy or more happy. 

     I am a person who knows a lot of people, I have a decent amount of meaningful friendships and I have experienced a few deeper relationships. I used to be the guy who lived to go out and socialize hit up the bar for karaoke at least twice a week. I don't actually miss that guy. 

    I became the socially at home butterfly who was social on the Internets mostly and sometimes in a small group on occasion. I am not positive either variations were healthy but now we have the time period where the world is closed and we are all mostly at home anyways. Lucky us.

    So in this deep thinking I have pondered a few things. 
1. I am socially happy but alone I am often very blah about things. 
2. I find ways to distract myself from this fact but as of yet haven't found a way to cure this feeling. 
3. I still have a lot of damage from past relationships that I need to deal with. 

    The meme I shared hit home. I have a stupidly big heart and for the people I give a shit about I care deeply. So I know that I can love that is a solid known fact. But... I always think I am hard to love based on my past experiences. I constantly worry that I am too needy, not good enough or just not interesting enough. It scares me that someone can be into you and wake up the next day and just be like pass. It scares me because it has happened to me before. 

   I have anxiety about that and it is something I need to find a way to overcome and put to bed finally. I hate dealing with my anxiety enough as it is, no one else needs to deal with it as well.

    The dream of getting a different house came and got put to the side for at least 365 days if not longer due to the shit going on in the world right now. The current focus has been not putting my plans or life on hold for other people. There has been some progress in that department. I took my Idaho trip for the Ted Talk event, my vacation to Connecticut seems like a pipe dream right now with what we are globally dealing with. So there are not many plans that can get put on hold right now. 

   So I think my current goal list should look something like this. 

1. Don't wait on others to live the life I want to live. Be ok doing things alone if plans fall through. AKA being able to be happy being alone. 

2.Search for information that deals with the mental issues I am facing and actually take steps to work on the issues and not just locate distractions to avoid them. 

3.Eat better and actually meal prep. I am not getting any younger but it is not too late to be in the best shape of my life. This is going to take lots of prep work, action and more than just positive thinking but fuck it will be worth it.    

4.Be nicer to myself and more understanding. I am often kinder to others than myself. 

    It is a physically small list but it is going to take a mighty amount of work. So it is nut up or shut up time for Bishop. With the Corona going on my work hours are changing and I am going to have some spare time on my hands. So instead of logging into War Thunder and trying to be the best virtual pilot I need to dedicate some time to these things that matter. Actually put some effort into me for once. 

Wish me luck everyone. I am going to need it.  

      

Just Being Honest

     What a year this month has been and it is not even over yet. The world is a scary place and for many of us the hopes, dreams and ambitions we started this year with have come crashing down around us or at the very least been put on hold. For me it was buying a house and going back to Connecticut to see friends and if we are being honest to chase the ghost of my grandfather and maybe finally get some closure to the pain I still feel from his loss back in 1999. 

     This year started on a high note feeling full of life and possibility. Right now I just feel dizzy. Not a single one of us can predict what life is going to be like in 30, 60, or even 90 days from today. But on the grand stage of life my little hopes and dreams feel very small compared to the battle many people are fighting for there very lives. 

     The older I get the more scary life seems in many ways. One the biggest events I remember from my younger years is 9/11. The very thing the drove me to my brief yet haunting time as a firefighter. PTSD is a bitch but I feel almost guilty admitting I some times deal with it. So many more have dealt with and seen far worse than I ever have.

     To a point I feel like that is part of who I am. I can present as this larger than life person some times but behind the sliver screen the world gets to see I often feel very small and insignificant. People have marveled at some of the things I have created and done and I still feel like a hack. Maybe even like a fraud in some ways? 

     At 33 years of age I can present well but sometimes no matter how well I can comfort others I often feel like a wreck of a person bouncing from highlights and blooper reals of this thing that has become my life. Some days I suck at being there for me and often fall short of my own expectations. One of the good Officers of the Old Lyme Police force told me one that people loved me but though I was in many ways lazy and to a point I think he was right. 

    Some things stick with us like the time my father told my co workers he was going to " Tell me he had scattered Twinkies in the yard in hopes that it would motivate me to do the yard work he had planned." Being told my ex wife I was controlling and a narcissist it too left a mark on me. 

     In my list of failed relationships the common  thread is me. Maybe I am a bad partner? Not good enough of a person to want to keep forever? Other times I think maybe I am too forgiving and not assertive enough. I often fear saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing or just not being good enough. My head is in many ways a mess. 

     Last night I took a trip down memory lane while on the phone and in so many ways I have come so far from the guy who lived in a rented room sleeping on a chair found at DI that folded out into a bed. The same guy who walked to work in the Rexburg snow to flip burgers for his minimum wage Wendy's job.  Things have gotten better in so many ways yes. But I am also not where I want to be in life yet. 

    Since we are diving into the truth I might as well spill some inner thoughts. I am often told I deserve love and to be happy. My rebuttal is I do not feel I deserve anything but I am willing to fight for the right things. Love is something I crave, I want the messy house with kids and the family trips. I want to be loved and missed when I am not present and I crave those goodnight kisses and good mornings waking up to someone who wants to call me their own. 

    I often feel I am chasing that like a dog chasing his tail. enthusiastic and fun to watch but pointless. I have made some bad more me dating choices. Good news if you are reading this and I dated you there is a good chance I don't consider you one of those bad choices. 

    I think what scares me so much is that a lot of the hurt that has happened in my life has come form people who I truly loved or were very close to me. Trust issues man they are a bitch. When you lie to someones face and cheat on them I promise it wont just hurt them in relation to just you that is a scar that gets left behind and I have yet to see it fully close and heal. People who have been cheated on and hurt that way are hyper aware of everything and it can be fucking tiring. 

     I often get told I am an amazing person. I hate taking compliments almost as much as I hate my birthday. I have done good things but I am also no saint. I have my own fuck ups. My main operating parameter in life is to be as good as  a person as I can be and to be honest even when it sucks and is not fun to be. That is when honesty counts the most. 

     My birthday, I tried to hide it from the world and even removed my birth info from social media. That bitch still told everyone! Some people even had it written down on a calendar for some reason so they knew when it was. Crazy people... 

    why do I hate it? I have fond memories of getting grounded on my birthday because I agreed with something my father asked me to do but apparently worded it in a way that he did not like. I also have that time period when I was the black sheep and well birthdays just did not happen for me for a while. There was a time when I was married and it kind of got made into a big deal, those days are long past. There was also a fair amount of birthday promises from relationships since past that never got carried out. It all jumbles into a mess of bad memories and lonely times I am a sentimental fool and some shit still bothers me and I would rather it just be another day instead of personally reliving that shit and putting on a fake smile for those that want it to be happy. 

     Dear reader please do not take this as a poison pen letter or a bitch fest. I do often write these for me and sometimes people seem to get something good for them out of it. I will say this last day of my birth was a decent one. Some friends broke all of my birthday wishes and showed up at my work with the best pie toppers ever. Then after work one person did respect my wishes and it was just another Thursday with some pie and it was perfect.   

     The world is an imperfect place and I am but an imperfect person trying to chase that happy place in life. I sometimes catch it just for a moment and that is what keeps me going. Much like a junkie after a fix, however I think that is relate able for many of us. This is life, it is messy, unpredictable, often heartbreaking and sometimes its very beautiful. Seek after the beautiful and don't let the bastards keep you down. 

The High and Low of Depression

     Those of you who have depression might be familiar with this concept. But just like a roller coaster slowly climbs a hill to an exciting peak you suddenly find yourself hurtling to the bottom and your stomach ends up in your throat. That my friends is much like the high and low of depression. Except this ride to the bottom can really fuck up your day, maybe a week sometime we go big and claim an entire month. 

     Finding a middle ground is often the goal because the up and down sucks. Other times like me now you don't realize the climb even took place until you crest the peak of the hill and have an "Oh fuck" moment. Sneaky little bastard... 

     I took a trip to Idaho the 6th of this month. I got to see a TedX event in person a dream for a while now. The kicker an old friend an amazing person was giving a talk and that was the motivation I needed to take a weekend off and unwind. It was 100% worth it. 

     The trip, the company, the talks all perfect. Also so damn good food. No regrets no matter the fallout. Today was rocky and it got worse as the day went. However we managed to record a podcast. That is a bonus and it will get posted tomorrow. We don't try we do. 

     I had a birthday... I hate birthdays I even deleted my birth information from the book of faces in an attempt to hide that fact. But that was done in vain FB, Snap Chat I think even insta let out my dirty little secret. And then my friends for some fucking reason remembered. I even issued a plea of just let it go and one person honored that wish. Thank you for the 'Just a random Thursday" pie. 

     I kept it together today, swallowed it all down and kept it together. I even put on the showtime face and got the podcast done. Let me tell you it has been a minute since I have done that and god it was exhausting. I have not been a social creature for a while and kept my sad sack self at home for months. 

    I blasted music on the way home maybe shed a mainly tear or 20 and got home. Now I am releasing my frustrations on this neglected keyboard and pounding a Mike's Harder Cranberry with the 8% alcohol by volume with my headphones in and Pandora providing the background noise. Black Orchid by Blue October is punishing my eardrums right now and it all seems so fitting. 

     It is not a bad life, it is a bad day I have known many of those. Opening up, making plans and hope. These are the things that often fuck me. Tonight no one is to blame but the low is real and I am real low. Not Whiskey Lullaby low but low. My cardinal rule for drinking is if I feel the NEED to drink I allow myself one shot. Tonight it is a can and it might have an encore. After that I need sleep because I have the gym tomorrow and I have to go back to being fearless and kicking ass. 

     Tonight I break some of my rules. I let myself feel the low. I have a beverage maybe the previously mentioned two. I stay safe and I soldier on. COVID-19 can also suck it. Work is slow thankfully we are still open but that could  change any day now. On second thought just that one drink god that was too sweet. Way too much sugar. 

Thank you for attending my mope fest. I am going to call it a night before this becomes even more of a jumbled mess.