I am proud

     This is what my bathroom mirror currently looks like. I am a good person, I am present, I WILL be nice to myself, I can do good things and its ok to feel. You might ask yourself why this is on my mirror. I am truly trying to slay my demons and make a better me. I have been on the mental and emotional struggle bus. But I am trying to get off of it. This takes work and I have been challenged a few times now to do this but find reasons not to. Well I am sure I could find reasons not to now but... I want to heal. 

     So this post will be  a bit different not a bitch session, not venting not the norm. Today I am going to let myself be proud of me and recognize some things I have done and survived over the past few years. This is gonna get real so either buckle up or get the fuck on out. 

    I am proud of me for making the hardest choice of my life to get divorced. It meant not getting to be with my kid every day and that was a hard pill to swallow. But it also meant breaking the cycling of hurt and pain. As always I declare I was not perfect or a saint in my marriage but as much as it sucked it needed to come to an end it was not healthy.

    I am proud that I let myself be true to me and quit going to church. For much of my church going years I went to make my parents happy when on the inside it made the self loathing worse and I felt suicidal. Now I live my own life and my parents have to deal. 

   I am proud of myself for still being on this earth. After my separation and divorce there were a few instances I wanted to just end it all. In all but one instance I reached out. The one time I didn't a friend found me and stopped me. 

    I am proud of myself for taking chances. I left a job that was stable buy I was financially struggling at. I went back to car sales something I never thought I would have gone back to in a million years. It was scary and could have turned out worse than what I was financially dealing with. But here I am a year and some change later still at it. 

   I am proud of myself for blocking someone I once loved but was horribly toxic from my FB. She lied to me, she cheated on me, she gave me an STD (curable and long since taken care of) and she continued to find ways to fuck with me in the present. I realized how toxic she was for my mental health and well being and I blocked her ass. 

   I am proud that I don't turn to alcohol to deal with my pain. I learned to recognize when I should and should not be drinking. I realized the negative impact it had on me when I was already emotional and now its not even an option I will consider when I am not feeling well. I also am capable of just having one drink and not needing to get smashed. 

    I am proud of myself for removing fake friends and manipulative people from my life. There was a time when I was so desperate for friendship and in some cases love that I would put up with anything. I no longer tolerate bullshit and call it as I see it now. 

  I am proud of myself for continuing to try and improve myself and recognizing when I have areas I can work on. I still have my periods of "Shit sucks" and sometimes spending too much time there but I am getting and have gotten better.

   I am proud of myself for not avoiding these thoughts, emotions or problems in my life. I am proud for being proactive about things and not just finding distractions. It in some ways is not easier but also in the long run I have the hope and expectation that this will be productive and healing. Giving me the resolutions, answers and tools I need to be a better me. 

     As stupid as it might sound it felt really good to write that. Maybe this blog post wont help anyone else but tonight it helped me. I hope all of you are doing ok and I will probably be posting again soon.