Deep Thoughts and Being Self Aware

     It is some strange days indeed. Time seems to pass more slowly and with less meaning. But maybe that is just me. with the passage of time comes thinking, with thinking comes self reflection and with that the self imposed question. "How can I be better?". For me being better includes things like being more healthy or more happy. 

     I am a person who knows a lot of people, I have a decent amount of meaningful friendships and I have experienced a few deeper relationships. I used to be the guy who lived to go out and socialize hit up the bar for karaoke at least twice a week. I don't actually miss that guy. 

    I became the socially at home butterfly who was social on the Internets mostly and sometimes in a small group on occasion. I am not positive either variations were healthy but now we have the time period where the world is closed and we are all mostly at home anyways. Lucky us.

    So in this deep thinking I have pondered a few things. 
1. I am socially happy but alone I am often very blah about things. 
2. I find ways to distract myself from this fact but as of yet haven't found a way to cure this feeling. 
3. I still have a lot of damage from past relationships that I need to deal with. 

    The meme I shared hit home. I have a stupidly big heart and for the people I give a shit about I care deeply. So I know that I can love that is a solid known fact. But... I always think I am hard to love based on my past experiences. I constantly worry that I am too needy, not good enough or just not interesting enough. It scares me that someone can be into you and wake up the next day and just be like pass. It scares me because it has happened to me before. 

   I have anxiety about that and it is something I need to find a way to overcome and put to bed finally. I hate dealing with my anxiety enough as it is, no one else needs to deal with it as well.

    The dream of getting a different house came and got put to the side for at least 365 days if not longer due to the shit going on in the world right now. The current focus has been not putting my plans or life on hold for other people. There has been some progress in that department. I took my Idaho trip for the Ted Talk event, my vacation to Connecticut seems like a pipe dream right now with what we are globally dealing with. So there are not many plans that can get put on hold right now. 

   So I think my current goal list should look something like this. 

1. Don't wait on others to live the life I want to live. Be ok doing things alone if plans fall through. AKA being able to be happy being alone. 

2.Search for information that deals with the mental issues I am facing and actually take steps to work on the issues and not just locate distractions to avoid them. 

3.Eat better and actually meal prep. I am not getting any younger but it is not too late to be in the best shape of my life. This is going to take lots of prep work, action and more than just positive thinking but fuck it will be worth it.    

4.Be nicer to myself and more understanding. I am often kinder to others than myself. 

    It is a physically small list but it is going to take a mighty amount of work. So it is nut up or shut up time for Bishop. With the Corona going on my work hours are changing and I am going to have some spare time on my hands. So instead of logging into War Thunder and trying to be the best virtual pilot I need to dedicate some time to these things that matter. Actually put some effort into me for once. 

Wish me luck everyone. I am going to need it.