The High and Low of Depression

     Those of you who have depression might be familiar with this concept. But just like a roller coaster slowly climbs a hill to an exciting peak you suddenly find yourself hurtling to the bottom and your stomach ends up in your throat. That my friends is much like the high and low of depression. Except this ride to the bottom can really fuck up your day, maybe a week sometime we go big and claim an entire month. 

     Finding a middle ground is often the goal because the up and down sucks. Other times like me now you don't realize the climb even took place until you crest the peak of the hill and have an "Oh fuck" moment. Sneaky little bastard... 

     I took a trip to Idaho the 6th of this month. I got to see a TedX event in person a dream for a while now. The kicker an old friend an amazing person was giving a talk and that was the motivation I needed to take a weekend off and unwind. It was 100% worth it. 

     The trip, the company, the talks all perfect. Also so damn good food. No regrets no matter the fallout. Today was rocky and it got worse as the day went. However we managed to record a podcast. That is a bonus and it will get posted tomorrow. We don't try we do. 

     I had a birthday... I hate birthdays I even deleted my birth information from the book of faces in an attempt to hide that fact. But that was done in vain FB, Snap Chat I think even insta let out my dirty little secret. And then my friends for some fucking reason remembered. I even issued a plea of just let it go and one person honored that wish. Thank you for the 'Just a random Thursday" pie. 

     I kept it together today, swallowed it all down and kept it together. I even put on the showtime face and got the podcast done. Let me tell you it has been a minute since I have done that and god it was exhausting. I have not been a social creature for a while and kept my sad sack self at home for months. 

    I blasted music on the way home maybe shed a mainly tear or 20 and got home. Now I am releasing my frustrations on this neglected keyboard and pounding a Mike's Harder Cranberry with the 8% alcohol by volume with my headphones in and Pandora providing the background noise. Black Orchid by Blue October is punishing my eardrums right now and it all seems so fitting. 

     It is not a bad life, it is a bad day I have known many of those. Opening up, making plans and hope. These are the things that often fuck me. Tonight no one is to blame but the low is real and I am real low. Not Whiskey Lullaby low but low. My cardinal rule for drinking is if I feel the NEED to drink I allow myself one shot. Tonight it is a can and it might have an encore. After that I need sleep because I have the gym tomorrow and I have to go back to being fearless and kicking ass. 

     Tonight I break some of my rules. I let myself feel the low. I have a beverage maybe the previously mentioned two. I stay safe and I soldier on. COVID-19 can also suck it. Work is slow thankfully we are still open but that could  change any day now. On second thought just that one drink god that was too sweet. Way too much sugar. 

Thank you for attending my mope fest. I am going to call it a night before this becomes even more of a jumbled mess.