Let me be Myself

      The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. I tried to research a source for this quote and the best answer I have gotten so far is Einstein did not say it. Whoever said it they were in fact not wrong. I can fully agree with and see its truth in my own life. No matter how many Ted Talks, songs I sing or blog posts I write nothing will change in my life without effort. Not one single social media post about how hard things in my head might be has done anything either. Go figure, right? 

     I can say one day not so long ago this song did hit home however. There are A LOT of things that I myself hold me back from doing. Not bad things, not crazy things but productive and maybe even helpful things. I can maybe somewhat contribute this to my childhood. I recall a few things like getting a chemistry set and a microscope for Christmas one year but never really being allowed to touch or use them "Because I am not ready" another one is once on a trip to Gettysburg we purchased a quill and ink set. I was super excited to get to make ink and try writing with it but always got the answer of "Not right now" that turned into something that I never got to do... Ever...

     I recognize two things, one at 33 years of age I am no longer a child and I make my own choices now. Two I see this things play out in my current life. I constantly tell myself "I am not ready yet" about way too many things. I also recognize that I too often tell my daughter "Not right now" and often it is when I am not in the mood to do something or I am freaking exhausted. However, I CAN NOT let "Not right now" turn into never for her. I own this flaw in me and I will not repeat the past. 

     So back to that opening quote. These two phrases of in my life "Because you are not ready" and "Not right now" are going out the window. I can't always not be ready to let me be myself. I am also recognizing other patterns in my life that often take me off my high pony of progress and knock me back into the dirt and often emotionally back to square one. Yes I  said pony, I don't feel like I have progressed to a high horse yet. Deal with it...

     Sunday I checked a box off my list of goals. "Because you are not ready" took a flying fuck out the proverbial window. I always wanted to cruise Provo Canyon on the bike. So a little backstory. I had my first bike gifted to me in Connecticut. It did not run and before I ever ordered my parts for it a fellow member of the Old Lyme Fire Department died on his bike. Mine, it got sent to the scrap yard. At 32 years of age I traded my 96 Cherokee and some cash for a V Star 1100. My only regret so far is that my friend who helped me work on the Jeep perished in a single car accident October of last year and that Jeep held some good memories. 

     I started out with late night adventures around Orem. Because good hell traffic can be crazy in this town. A few church parking lot adventures and the one time last year my roommate took the bike up to South Fork for me I could have some on road experience was the sum of my adventures to this year. I am cautious and if I feel like I have a better chance of hurting myself than accomplishing my ride I make different plans. Sunday I NEEDED out of the house and I really needed a break from my own bullshit. I was in my head about something and it was mentally and emotionally killing me. So I did in fact head up that canyon. I even made it to Heber. A grand total of over 60 miles got added to the bike. 

     when I ride I have gotten comfortable enough to enjoy some tunes. Well for me on that ride I had only two things I could focus on. Don't crash and enjoy the music. I cant say any song really stood out to me but I enjoyed the ride and got a confidence boost out of it. I even got my first biker wave!! I was kinda too nervous to take my hand off the handle bars and wave back.... But I am working on it. 

     Ok so backtracking I am working on some goals and over coming that not ready situation. That book in the first pic is the one I am working through right now. I can't yet give it my Bishop seal of approval but I like it so far. My goal is 20 minutes five days a week of reading and working through that thing. Still need to do it for today but it also encourages writing while doing it. Hey look at me writing and stuff. 

     So circling back to wrap this up. Just telling myself I am not ready to do something but taking no action nets me no progress. I always wanted to buy a domain name and write more. My hang up? Well my punctuation, capitalization and such I do not feel confident in. So.... I signed up for a English 101 course online. it was like $15 and gives me the ability to overcome that "Not ready" situation. I have purchased two web domains. One is for this blog and the other is for the podcast. I have also been doing an online course I purchased years ago for online marketing. Not a bad skill to have and at the time I had a small business. Never did the course and closed the business around the time I got divorced. Kinda lost my spark. 

     

    I painted these shoes for my daughter two weeks ago. She loves them and they are currently one of her favorite pairs. I am creating once again. I am allowing myself to be me again. The house is cleaner, I am reading again and guitar practice is even happening. I am taking steps to eliminate these excuses from my past and living life. Baby steps and in some cases giant leaps forward. But I am no longer satisfied holding myself back. 

     That attempt at singing Let me be Myself is by no means perfect but it is a work in progress. The final pattern currently on my mind the one that often hurts me the deepest. I had some fucked up relationships. Ones that I stayed in for too long or fought too hard to keep when in reality they were not worth it. I see myself still doing some of those last ditch attempts in my modern days. I often try to be MR perfect and help out too much. I overspend, over extend myself and invest too much too soon at times. It is part of my flawed programming and it is something I am working on. I need to not be so giving so soon and so free with my heart. It gets me hurt, it knocks me down when it blows up in my face and in the end brings on some amazing depression. This is where self love has to come in for me. I deserve better as much as I hate the term deserve better and I need to hold myself to a higher standard and show some restraint. Not going to happen overnight but I am working on it. 

    With that one of many confessions and realizations I have shared. I want to say thank you dear reader if you have made it this far in my ramblings. I hope it in some way might help someone reading this as much as it helps me to write it. Have a good one everyone! I have some reading to do and less than an hour to do it.   

I am proud

     This is what my bathroom mirror currently looks like. I am a good person, I am present, I WILL be nice to myself, I can do good things and its ok to feel. You might ask yourself why this is on my mirror. I am truly trying to slay my demons and make a better me. I have been on the mental and emotional struggle bus. But I am trying to get off of it. This takes work and I have been challenged a few times now to do this but find reasons not to. Well I am sure I could find reasons not to now but... I want to heal. 

     So this post will be  a bit different not a bitch session, not venting not the norm. Today I am going to let myself be proud of me and recognize some things I have done and survived over the past few years. This is gonna get real so either buckle up or get the fuck on out. 

    I am proud of me for making the hardest choice of my life to get divorced. It meant not getting to be with my kid every day and that was a hard pill to swallow. But it also meant breaking the cycling of hurt and pain. As always I declare I was not perfect or a saint in my marriage but as much as it sucked it needed to come to an end it was not healthy.

    I am proud that I let myself be true to me and quit going to church. For much of my church going years I went to make my parents happy when on the inside it made the self loathing worse and I felt suicidal. Now I live my own life and my parents have to deal. 

   I am proud of myself for still being on this earth. After my separation and divorce there were a few instances I wanted to just end it all. In all but one instance I reached out. The one time I didn't a friend found me and stopped me. 

    I am proud of myself for taking chances. I left a job that was stable buy I was financially struggling at. I went back to car sales something I never thought I would have gone back to in a million years. It was scary and could have turned out worse than what I was financially dealing with. But here I am a year and some change later still at it. 

   I am proud of myself for blocking someone I once loved but was horribly toxic from my FB. She lied to me, she cheated on me, she gave me an STD (curable and long since taken care of) and she continued to find ways to fuck with me in the present. I realized how toxic she was for my mental health and well being and I blocked her ass. 

   I am proud that I don't turn to alcohol to deal with my pain. I learned to recognize when I should and should not be drinking. I realized the negative impact it had on me when I was already emotional and now its not even an option I will consider when I am not feeling well. I also am capable of just having one drink and not needing to get smashed. 

    I am proud of myself for removing fake friends and manipulative people from my life. There was a time when I was so desperate for friendship and in some cases love that I would put up with anything. I no longer tolerate bullshit and call it as I see it now. 

  I am proud of myself for continuing to try and improve myself and recognizing when I have areas I can work on. I still have my periods of "Shit sucks" and sometimes spending too much time there but I am getting and have gotten better.

   I am proud of myself for not avoiding these thoughts, emotions or problems in my life. I am proud for being proactive about things and not just finding distractions. It in some ways is not easier but also in the long run I have the hope and expectation that this will be productive and healing. Giving me the resolutions, answers and tools I need to be a better me. 

     As stupid as it might sound it felt really good to write that. Maybe this blog post wont help anyone else but tonight it helped me. I hope all of you are doing ok and I will probably be posting again soon.    

     

        

Deep Thoughts and Being Self Aware

     It is some strange days indeed. Time seems to pass more slowly and with less meaning. But maybe that is just me. with the passage of time comes thinking, with thinking comes self reflection and with that the self imposed question. "How can I be better?". For me being better includes things like being more healthy or more happy. 

     I am a person who knows a lot of people, I have a decent amount of meaningful friendships and I have experienced a few deeper relationships. I used to be the guy who lived to go out and socialize hit up the bar for karaoke at least twice a week. I don't actually miss that guy. 

    I became the socially at home butterfly who was social on the Internets mostly and sometimes in a small group on occasion. I am not positive either variations were healthy but now we have the time period where the world is closed and we are all mostly at home anyways. Lucky us.

    So in this deep thinking I have pondered a few things. 
1. I am socially happy but alone I am often very blah about things. 
2. I find ways to distract myself from this fact but as of yet haven't found a way to cure this feeling. 
3. I still have a lot of damage from past relationships that I need to deal with. 

    The meme I shared hit home. I have a stupidly big heart and for the people I give a shit about I care deeply. So I know that I can love that is a solid known fact. But... I always think I am hard to love based on my past experiences. I constantly worry that I am too needy, not good enough or just not interesting enough. It scares me that someone can be into you and wake up the next day and just be like pass. It scares me because it has happened to me before. 

   I have anxiety about that and it is something I need to find a way to overcome and put to bed finally. I hate dealing with my anxiety enough as it is, no one else needs to deal with it as well.

    The dream of getting a different house came and got put to the side for at least 365 days if not longer due to the shit going on in the world right now. The current focus has been not putting my plans or life on hold for other people. There has been some progress in that department. I took my Idaho trip for the Ted Talk event, my vacation to Connecticut seems like a pipe dream right now with what we are globally dealing with. So there are not many plans that can get put on hold right now. 

   So I think my current goal list should look something like this. 

1. Don't wait on others to live the life I want to live. Be ok doing things alone if plans fall through. AKA being able to be happy being alone. 

2.Search for information that deals with the mental issues I am facing and actually take steps to work on the issues and not just locate distractions to avoid them. 

3.Eat better and actually meal prep. I am not getting any younger but it is not too late to be in the best shape of my life. This is going to take lots of prep work, action and more than just positive thinking but fuck it will be worth it.    

4.Be nicer to myself and more understanding. I am often kinder to others than myself. 

    It is a physically small list but it is going to take a mighty amount of work. So it is nut up or shut up time for Bishop. With the Corona going on my work hours are changing and I am going to have some spare time on my hands. So instead of logging into War Thunder and trying to be the best virtual pilot I need to dedicate some time to these things that matter. Actually put some effort into me for once. 

Wish me luck everyone. I am going to need it.