August 11th would have been my 11 year anniversary. This was my first go around with this date since we split the end of last August. I was anxious about this day. I did not know what mixed bag of emotions to expect. It went better than expected.
I originally intended to spend this day at home with her. However I realized this was probably not the best choice. I had a friend who suggested she bring her daughter over and we have a tiny human sleepover. As people and plans tend to do in my life she vanished into her own world for her own reasons. To be honest it is something I have gotten used to.
My friends the Greens were amazing and offered to babysit the Tiny Human so I could go out and be with my people. Morgen and Penrose came to hang out with the Tiny Human and myself before the nights activities. Morgen did my makeup.
After the tiny was dropped off we all gathered at the Union Tavern in Midvale for a cosplay event. I elected to remain sober that night as I have the majority of the past few weeks. It was a glorious gathering of people that night from all walks of life. The bar was packed with familiar and some new faces.
The shenanigans were on point as always. While at some points I felt lost because of my thoughts and contemplation's of my situation at hand it was a good night. I managed to sneak in two songs that night at karaoke. I finished off the night singing Hate Me by Blue October as in many ways I see my life in the lyrics. There were offers of an after party or a trip to the waffle house but I decided to journey home and be alone for a while.
This allowed me to really reflect on some things and I needed that. I have begun to form a list of of rules for myself and I keep adding to them. I will share some of them here.
The Rules of Life According to Bishop
1. Don't chase after people.
You have better things to do in life and chasing after someone is never a good idea. A fact that has been proven to me time and time again in life. If they feel the need to run away let them. In the end you will only get hurt more and devalue yourself in the process.
2. Words are never a substitute for actions.
Listen to what people say and watch what they do. If the two don't align there are problems. See how they treat others, the way they speak about or treat others in front of you today very well could be what they do to you tomorrow.
3. Have self respect.
People can and will use you for personal gain or comfort. It is entirely ok to stand up for yourself and speak out. You don't need some who only cares about what you can do for them in your life. Don't become another broken person in the trail of people they will leave behind when they have gotten all they can or want from you.
4. It is ok to feel
We all need have a carefree time every now and then. However constant self medicating with drinking, people or other distractions will only prolong the problems at hand. One must truly deal with things in order to learn, grow and change.
These are just a few of the things I have learned along the way and I will keep adding to them. Thank you to everyone who has been along on my journey. For the ones who have stuck by my side because they care. For those who taught me valuable life lessons even if they hurt along the way. All of you have added to my life in some way.
Life is a fickle bitch. Capable of giving everything or taking it all away in the blink of an eye. The last few weeks have been an interesting ride to say the least. I have had some amazing moments and felt content for a while. But and there is always a but I am on the low end of things right now.
August 11th would have been my eleven year wedding anniversary. Now, any day now a judge will put pen to paper and legally dissolve the wedding vows we made five days shy of 11 years ago today. The emotions are truly unreal. There is no changing the events put in action last year and the papers we filed this year. Nor at this point would I try and change it. I don't need another or desire another verbal beat down a reminder of all that I had done that wasn't what she wanted.
The truth is there is not a damn thing anyone could judge me for a berate me for that I don't do to myself on a regular basis. Many people find comfort in my presence and it is a service I am often happy to provide. But for myself I feel stuck in my own skin. I would rather be anywhere else or anyone else than who I am today.
I have done many things that at the time was helpful for others and seemed important at the time. But ultimately today it all feels like nothing. Many of the people who called me brother have vanished into the night. Some even giving me a piece of there mind before blocking me or telling me to fuck off. The one who told me I was family is a painful thought and I avoid there presence at all costs. Some wounds I don't think will do more than scab over and get picked at from time to time for the rest of my days.
My involvement with The Chive... The countless arguments and attempts to shut down our chapter because we were competition was taxing and in the end not worth the effort so many of us put into it. I regret my involvement in The Chive and the deeply personal effect one of the members had on my marriage. Some wounds just cant be forgotten.I don't wish ill on many but that fucker deserves what ever pain and trauma comes his way.
Life for me and even myself has been changing. I used to swallow a lot of shit and just keep smiling. I was for lack of a better term a door mat. Something I refuse to be anymore for anyone. I have learned that if someone loves you for who you truly are that is something. If they love you for what you can do for them, you should run the fuck away.
Life is indeed strange. Single life at this point is an entirely new adventure. Sometimes like tonight its damn lonely. But the truth is its hard to find someone that just feels right. Someone to actually trust again and someone who understands how truly mind fucked I have become. Trust does not come easy and I analyze the fuck out of everything because I have been hurt and I continue to be hurt.
Damaged goods seems to be how I truly feel most of the time. However I still tend to put on the smile and do my little dance when I am around others. No one truly needs to hear about all my inner demons. Most of the time I keep this all in but sometimes the dam breaks and out it spills. It is one of those nights.
I have for the most part quit drinking right now. I had one beer last weekend 2 overall last week. The problem is I am always thinking, always analyzing and pondering moments in time. When I am sober I can kind of contain the sadness, the hopelessness and self hatred while sober. But when drinking it can all come out and its not pretty or productive. That is enough self loathing for one night goodnight everyone.
