A light from the shadows shall spring

      I have gone through a lot of changes in the past few weeks.
I am not myself at the moment. I am also questioning who I am as a person.  I am questioning every aspect of my life. Yes I mean every aspect. Nothing is written in stone. But even stone can be changed I guess...  

     I recently went through some tattoo therapy. For me all of my tattoos have meaning. This one I designed my self and every piece is significant to me. I say therapy because I needed it. I wanted the pain. 
     I am battling a darkness in me that has come back with a passion after many months away. I have been resisting the urge to harm myself and this helped. While I have had some very dark thoughts they have passed. By harm I mean cut myself. Something I have never done but have had the urges. I fought them off today. I fear if I start I may never stop. 

     A key component of my depression is doubting everything. I often feel like a disposable person. Someone who is called upon when needed and forgotten when not. I am not always the best at keeping in touch. When I am down and trust me I am right now I find it hard to chase people. Why bother people if they don't care to talk to me or  see me? 
     So I tell anyone who cares to read this if you care about me, if you love me, if you want me to be around... Reach out and tell me. A text, a phone call even a visit is very welcomed. Often nights are the worst for me. I get stuck in my own head. But you will have to prove that you want to be there. Late night walks calm me but it is better when I am not alone. Invite me out, let me know if you want to see me. Words are all too often just words I need the ACTIONS. 

    I have shed so many tears as of late that I have lost count of the times I have cried. There are two people in this world that I know for sure have the ability to see through me Rachael and Vanessa. If you ask me if I am ok I am well programmed to say i'm fine or i'm ok. Sometimes it is my defense to say that because I could be on the verge of sobbing.  I respond well to hugs and cuddles I actually need them. They help in so many ways.  

     I have felt like running like everyone is better off without me. Like it would be better for me to be a distant memory than a current problem for people. I feel like a shell of myself right now. I truly am lost and trying to find myself. I have no clue what the end result will be. Who I will be.  

     I often feel like an unwanted burden on those who love me. I often feel hated. So reminding me that is not the case is always nice to hear. Right now it is hard for me to feel anything other than sadness and defeat. 

     I describe depression as a blanket. One that is well known and comfortable. You like to use it and have it around because it is familiar. You get used to it in the way that it is normal. You sometimes almost seek it out because in a sick way it is comforting to feel something normal. This has been a life long battle for me. One that I don't really want to loose. A friend once told me a few weeks ago that if I do anything stupid a whole bunch of people will need therapy. I still have a hard time beveling that I matter so I am going to issue a challenge. If you read this, if you actually care... Comment on this post and let me know you read it and you care. Bonus points for adding a favorite memory or picture of us as well. 

   At the urging of Rachael I am going to therapy. I still don't know how I feel about it or if its helping. But I am trying.  I hold out hope for the best but I need my friends more than ever. I need love and attention. I beg of all of you though please don't make plans with me and blow me off those are some of the deepest cuts right now and prove to me that I am a disposable friend and I don't really matter. It makes things so much worse for me. So please if you care reach out and let me know. Give me someone to talk to and something to do. No one person can help me fight this alone.

  So there it is, this is what is going on. Prove me wrong show me that you care. If any of you have questions please ask me.