Just Being Honest

     What a year this month has been and it is not even over yet. The world is a scary place and for many of us the hopes, dreams and ambitions we started this year with have come crashing down around us or at the very least been put on hold. For me it was buying a house and going back to Connecticut to see friends and if we are being honest to chase the ghost of my grandfather and maybe finally get some closure to the pain I still feel from his loss back in 1999. 

     This year started on a high note feeling full of life and possibility. Right now I just feel dizzy. Not a single one of us can predict what life is going to be like in 30, 60, or even 90 days from today. But on the grand stage of life my little hopes and dreams feel very small compared to the battle many people are fighting for there very lives. 

     The older I get the more scary life seems in many ways. One the biggest events I remember from my younger years is 9/11. The very thing the drove me to my brief yet haunting time as a firefighter. PTSD is a bitch but I feel almost guilty admitting I some times deal with it. So many more have dealt with and seen far worse than I ever have.

     To a point I feel like that is part of who I am. I can present as this larger than life person some times but behind the sliver screen the world gets to see I often feel very small and insignificant. People have marveled at some of the things I have created and done and I still feel like a hack. Maybe even like a fraud in some ways? 

     At 33 years of age I can present well but sometimes no matter how well I can comfort others I often feel like a wreck of a person bouncing from highlights and blooper reals of this thing that has become my life. Some days I suck at being there for me and often fall short of my own expectations. One of the good Officers of the Old Lyme Police force told me one that people loved me but though I was in many ways lazy and to a point I think he was right. 

    Some things stick with us like the time my father told my co workers he was going to " Tell me he had scattered Twinkies in the yard in hopes that it would motivate me to do the yard work he had planned." Being told my ex wife I was controlling and a narcissist it too left a mark on me. 

     In my list of failed relationships the common  thread is me. Maybe I am a bad partner? Not good enough of a person to want to keep forever? Other times I think maybe I am too forgiving and not assertive enough. I often fear saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing or just not being good enough. My head is in many ways a mess. 

     Last night I took a trip down memory lane while on the phone and in so many ways I have come so far from the guy who lived in a rented room sleeping on a chair found at DI that folded out into a bed. The same guy who walked to work in the Rexburg snow to flip burgers for his minimum wage Wendy's job.  Things have gotten better in so many ways yes. But I am also not where I want to be in life yet. 

    Since we are diving into the truth I might as well spill some inner thoughts. I am often told I deserve love and to be happy. My rebuttal is I do not feel I deserve anything but I am willing to fight for the right things. Love is something I crave, I want the messy house with kids and the family trips. I want to be loved and missed when I am not present and I crave those goodnight kisses and good mornings waking up to someone who wants to call me their own. 

    I often feel I am chasing that like a dog chasing his tail. enthusiastic and fun to watch but pointless. I have made some bad more me dating choices. Good news if you are reading this and I dated you there is a good chance I don't consider you one of those bad choices. 

    I think what scares me so much is that a lot of the hurt that has happened in my life has come form people who I truly loved or were very close to me. Trust issues man they are a bitch. When you lie to someones face and cheat on them I promise it wont just hurt them in relation to just you that is a scar that gets left behind and I have yet to see it fully close and heal. People who have been cheated on and hurt that way are hyper aware of everything and it can be fucking tiring. 

     I often get told I am an amazing person. I hate taking compliments almost as much as I hate my birthday. I have done good things but I am also no saint. I have my own fuck ups. My main operating parameter in life is to be as good as  a person as I can be and to be honest even when it sucks and is not fun to be. That is when honesty counts the most. 

     My birthday, I tried to hide it from the world and even removed my birth info from social media. That bitch still told everyone! Some people even had it written down on a calendar for some reason so they knew when it was. Crazy people... 

    why do I hate it? I have fond memories of getting grounded on my birthday because I agreed with something my father asked me to do but apparently worded it in a way that he did not like. I also have that time period when I was the black sheep and well birthdays just did not happen for me for a while. There was a time when I was married and it kind of got made into a big deal, those days are long past. There was also a fair amount of birthday promises from relationships since past that never got carried out. It all jumbles into a mess of bad memories and lonely times I am a sentimental fool and some shit still bothers me and I would rather it just be another day instead of personally reliving that shit and putting on a fake smile for those that want it to be happy. 

     Dear reader please do not take this as a poison pen letter or a bitch fest. I do often write these for me and sometimes people seem to get something good for them out of it. I will say this last day of my birth was a decent one. Some friends broke all of my birthday wishes and showed up at my work with the best pie toppers ever. Then after work one person did respect my wishes and it was just another Thursday with some pie and it was perfect.   

     The world is an imperfect place and I am but an imperfect person trying to chase that happy place in life. I sometimes catch it just for a moment and that is what keeps me going. Much like a junkie after a fix, however I think that is relate able for many of us. This is life, it is messy, unpredictable, often heartbreaking and sometimes its very beautiful. Seek after the beautiful and don't let the bastards keep you down. 

The High and Low of Depression

     Those of you who have depression might be familiar with this concept. But just like a roller coaster slowly climbs a hill to an exciting peak you suddenly find yourself hurtling to the bottom and your stomach ends up in your throat. That my friends is much like the high and low of depression. Except this ride to the bottom can really fuck up your day, maybe a week sometime we go big and claim an entire month. 

     Finding a middle ground is often the goal because the up and down sucks. Other times like me now you don't realize the climb even took place until you crest the peak of the hill and have an "Oh fuck" moment. Sneaky little bastard... 

     I took a trip to Idaho the 6th of this month. I got to see a TedX event in person a dream for a while now. The kicker an old friend an amazing person was giving a talk and that was the motivation I needed to take a weekend off and unwind. It was 100% worth it. 

     The trip, the company, the talks all perfect. Also so damn good food. No regrets no matter the fallout. Today was rocky and it got worse as the day went. However we managed to record a podcast. That is a bonus and it will get posted tomorrow. We don't try we do. 

     I had a birthday... I hate birthdays I even deleted my birth information from the book of faces in an attempt to hide that fact. But that was done in vain FB, Snap Chat I think even insta let out my dirty little secret. And then my friends for some fucking reason remembered. I even issued a plea of just let it go and one person honored that wish. Thank you for the 'Just a random Thursday" pie. 

     I kept it together today, swallowed it all down and kept it together. I even put on the showtime face and got the podcast done. Let me tell you it has been a minute since I have done that and god it was exhausting. I have not been a social creature for a while and kept my sad sack self at home for months. 

    I blasted music on the way home maybe shed a mainly tear or 20 and got home. Now I am releasing my frustrations on this neglected keyboard and pounding a Mike's Harder Cranberry with the 8% alcohol by volume with my headphones in and Pandora providing the background noise. Black Orchid by Blue October is punishing my eardrums right now and it all seems so fitting. 

     It is not a bad life, it is a bad day I have known many of those. Opening up, making plans and hope. These are the things that often fuck me. Tonight no one is to blame but the low is real and I am real low. Not Whiskey Lullaby low but low. My cardinal rule for drinking is if I feel the NEED to drink I allow myself one shot. Tonight it is a can and it might have an encore. After that I need sleep because I have the gym tomorrow and I have to go back to being fearless and kicking ass. 

     Tonight I break some of my rules. I let myself feel the low. I have a beverage maybe the previously mentioned two. I stay safe and I soldier on. COVID-19 can also suck it. Work is slow thankfully we are still open but that could  change any day now. On second thought just that one drink god that was too sweet. Way too much sugar. 

Thank you for attending my mope fest. I am going to call it a night before this becomes even more of a jumbled mess.