Dear Bishop Part Two

     It has been 20 months since I have written to you. However I am overjoyed to say we have talked often over that span of time. It has been an epic journey that have been on but it has been so worth it! 

    You have risen and fallen many times but for once neither of us has been counting. It is very fair to say you have made this time count. As you always like to say "It is not time that heals all wounds but what you do with that time." You sir have done a lot! 

     Some of those who were on this journey  with you when I last wrote to you are no longer with you. Most of them however are gone for the better. You have finally learned much about your self worth and what you are willing to put up with in life and what you are not. It is about damn time! 

     You have always had some otherworldly pull with people. You attract all kinds, always have and probably always have. It has been hard for you to understand because until recent times you yourself have not been able to understand your own company, however that has changed for the better. 

    There is a good and a bad with this energy you have. The people you attract are not always good for you. However you are finally using that gift you have to sort through the bullshit and not be accepting of everyone. Boundaries are a beautiful thing and I am overjoyed to see you having them for once. You no longer are the people pleasing lonely person you were. You can stand to be alone with yourself and sometimes actually seek out solitude to reflect on things now. 

    Let us talk about the party boy phase. It has passed! While you have a well stocked bar in the house it is for the occasional drink and for when friends are over no longer to medicate and deal with life like it once was. The wild house parties don't really happen anymore. That was a temporary escape from the dread of reality and it no longer serves you as it once did. 

     Life is for the living and escaping it is a waste of time. You went adventuring again. However this time it was different you did what you wanted when you wanted and took some amazing friends with you. Then you traded the adventure vehicle for a motorcycle. Conquering the fear of them you have had since you were a teenager and lost a fellow firefighter to that accident. Trying new things is good and this is no different. 

     You did not go camping this year but you also haven't gotten new gear. You let the ex wife take it all and it was probably for the best. Letting go of the past is something you have gotten good at. This new life is yours and Jackies and there is nothing wrong with that at all. You fought so hard the feeling of failure and even though you contemplate often how you should just walk away you never did. Jackie loves you and you could not imagine life without that amazing Tiny Human! She is very much so the most important person in your life and there is nothing wrong with that. 

     You made a huge leap this year when it comes to work. Your number one goal is always providing for that Tiny Human. Going back into sales seemed like a stretch but Bruce wanted you back bad enough he gave you the schedule you needed to be a dad and have that job. You left sales back in 2012 when mentally you just could not take it anymore. Your relationship, your stress levels were all off and it was a good move for you. You have experienced so much that life has to offer in that time away and it only made you better. 

     

     You again made that leap from a situation you in the end were not happy with and found something amazing! The pay scale is different but this is a job and a family. Jackie loves coming to work with you and she fits right in. Your boss is literally paying for you to go back to the gym and get healthy! You sold 20 cars last month and are just getting started this month it is going to be good! 

     Let us talk about August 11th and for that matter the month of August. Yesterday would have been 12 years married. It sucks big guy, I really know it does. The past few days have been hard on you and you have been feeling off. But we got out of the house for a bit came back and took a nap. You feel so clear headed right now it is amazing. It was like a reset button for the soul. You got up and adulted its been a while but that motivation is back. 

    That marriage was no longer healthy for either of you. Actions speak louder than words and you tried in the end but it is better this way. While it has been an emotional time for you as of late you have not regretted it. Finding that self worth and healthy boundaries are beautiful.    

     You have never felt like you deserved much. That family life dream of you accept that it might just turn out to be you and Jackie. However that book is not closed. You have dated a a few people since the split. Yeah a few experiences were not amazing but it taught you a hell of a lot. You have some awesome standards and expectations of what you want out of that next relationship and partner when the time comes. 

     Life is looking up for you in big ways. The big hurt is over and you are moving onward and upward. You have that smile back most days and you have some truly special people who care in your life. For once you are one of those special people and I am proud of you! 

   So challenge time, you knew this was coming. Last time it was to take the year and fall in love with you. Took a bit longer but we have gotten there. No you don't always love yourself but no one does. The foundation has been built thought.  

     Now this is what I expect from you. Be happy! Chase the butterflies and keep going! Don't look back your past does not define you and you really don't live there anymore. Be open and accepting of the chances offered to you. Continue to tell your story and add new chapters. You have so much living to do and for once you see it. You will have good days and bad day just like anyone else but never stop. You have an amazing daughter who loves you and is loved by so many. Live the best life and FEEL just like you have been never run from feelings but embrace them and see where the road takes you. Taking time for you these past few days is 100% what was needed and you are all the better for doing so. Until next time just remember I love you! 

All the best 

Bishop Brown.

    For those just tuning in this is a follow up letter to the one I wrote myself in December of 2017. If you would like to see where I was then vs now follow this link. https://badbishop801.blogspot.com/2017/12/dear-bishop.html

Progress Report

    Ashes to ashes, dust to dust if they are from you past just ride on. Not the most poetic I know. However it could be a good life motto not on the level of Van Wilder  “You shouldn't take life too seriously…you'll never get out alive.” but a decent one. 

     I noticed a friend on FB is friends with someone from my past. I was about to ask how they knew this person but I stopped myself. You see I realized it does not matter. I don't care to have that conversation or commit time or energy to there memory. That my friends is progress. 

     Life it is a changing, mine already has so much. I joined a singles group a while back but purely for friends and socialization. I ended up finding a new job as well but that is my life it never has been normal. Things tend to be interesting and most changes good or bad happen fast. 

     I have been doing this cool thing called not dating. Focusing solely on myself, my daughter and work with some time for friends. It has been amazing. I still have my lonely this shit sucks days but they are fewer and fewer. 

     My work life is better than I could have ever dreamed of. My daughter gets to come to work with me on the days my time with her and work overlaps. It is truly a family affair at work. We actually closed early on Saturday to go enjoy a festival happening in SLC. The owner just paid for 6 months of personal training for me. Never asked for it, it just happened. I feel so very valued at my job and it is an amazing feeling. 

     I have been taking time for me doing what I want to do when I want to or can do it. I recently traded Felicia my Jeep for two wheels and the open road. Being my first bike the open road has not happened yet but I did spend some time in the church parking lot today. 

     For those this shit sucks days I do have some amazing people in my life in my corner. That helps with the suck it really does. Like I have always said it is not time that heals all wounds it is what you do with that time. Today it was sleeping, riding and an absolutely ridicules dance off in the living room with Seppi. That made for a good day and I have no regrets about how my day was spent. 

     I have been keeping my heart, hands and naughty bits to myself and I can't complain about the outcome. Falling in love with myself has always been a dream and a goal. for once it is not just lip service but action happening. I am not the party animal I was and that is 100% ok. 

    Building my life day by day is an adventure, I say building and not re building because there is nothing in the past I need to build with today. My charity organization is closed, my past romantic interests are in the past safely tucked away far from the now. It really is just me and that amazing tiny human of mine and for once that is ok. This really might be what family looks like for me and I have no desire to try and change that any time soon. 

     I have made the healthy choices that I mentally needed to and that my friends is amazing. I even learned how to sleep in the middle of the giant bed some nights! I have two amazing things I am looking forward to. Reading the Tiny Human stories tomorrow and a karaoke night for me on Thursday. I could not be happier. That is all for now and I should head to bed work comes early.