Some weeks feel like Mondays, like everyday is a Monday but each one a different fresh version of the same hell. Just recycled or maybe remixed with different food each day. Strong emotions are a hell of a thing to deal with when trying to rebuild a life. But I guess that really is part of the rebuilding? I often feel trapped on a roller coaster of emotions without any end in sight.
January is almost over and I have avoided a new year new me post on social media. The truth is it is a new year but not much of me is new. There is less of me so I guess that is a win? Between the snow and my current financial despair the gym and hikes have not been a thing for a while now. However the inconsistent feeding schedule I have myself on is totally helping with my weight loss. Yes I know that is not a good thing and I am working on it.
So, my days are pretty hectic for a few reasons. Adjusting to a single income is kind of a big switch. I am playing catch up on a few bills but I am getting things taken care of. I still have all of my vinyl equipment but haven't done much as of late. I am now a one person show and turned down a big order a while back because I knew I couldn't get it done in time by myself.
Myself, still a big issue on a daily basis. I am fighting everyday with my demons. I all too often get stuck in my head at work and that really brings me down. The daily struggle with financial issues on top of my self worth and inability to find my center just compounds things. I remain social but guarded. My social circle has shrunk to a point. It is interesting the people who stick with you, run from you and run to you in a divorce.
I struggled with the though of not coming home to a wife and my child after work each day. The feeling of not being complete is real. I had two wise and loving friends have a sit down with me and they really helped me figure out if I was in love with that as an idea or if I really wanted to make a go of things again. The end result is I was in love with the idea. There is non negotiable things each side won't budge on and a long history filled with mistrust and hurt. After some further financial matters are resolved so will be my 10 year marriage.
So a new single player chapter is born. I am going to keep working on myself in ways that are best for me, done just for me and not to please anyone else. I am going to start reading more, books that I have wanted to read for a long while now that should be helpful to me. I am going to write more and hopefully soon vlog more. I am going to keep exploring the world around me and make new healthy connections.
I fell asleep on the couch last night for the second night in a row. Woke up around 3 AM again, but last night could not fall back to sleep. So I played on my phone and cleaned out my friends list a bit. Change can be good but it still hurts at times. There are still some friendships I hope to rekindle and maybe in time I will. I don't spend my days dreaming anymore. I spend them planning for a future. The first part of that is becoming happy by myself. It is a long goal but I am worth it to obtain it. I need to learn and improve my skills. Graphic design, guitar, singing and writing are all on the list.
Onward to coffee, to tiny human time and tonight's shenanigans with friends for a good cause. Life goes on, simply because it must. Have a good day everyone and do something that makes you happy.
