Dear Bishop

Dear Bishop,


        My dear friend Bishop you have been my lifelong acquaintance and it is time I write to you. I have been there with you every step of the way. I have seen the good times, the ok times and the downright frightening times. I have know you for 30 years now, it will be 31 this coming March. I was there even when no one else could be or wanted to be however we have never truly been friends.

         I remember the days of playing with grandma and grandpa Bailey. I was there for the earth shattering loss of her passing in 93. You were so little but you wouldn't let yourself cry at her funeral. You were so tiny and at a loss back then. Grandpa Bailey became the best friend you could ever ask for and he loved you very much. He was there for you and you for him until his passing in 99. Mom wouldn't let you go see him but his caretaker Penny would sneak you in so you were the only grandchild who got to say goodbye. You got to see him one last time the day before he died, he wasn't awake or alert but you picked his frail body up and hugged him one last time.

        Again, you would not let a single tear shed at his funeral. I think you felt if you let go you would never stop. I was there when you made Benway go check on his father after a week of silence. I was there when the police found him and you waited by his side until they released the scene and you helped the corner bag up his rigid body and carry him out of that house one last time. You were 18 then and very lost.

       You did a lot of stupid self destructive things, I remember the night Josh asked you if you were ok to drive and you responded with "Fuck no man". You were right but you still went. It almost cost you everything that night. You should not have walked away from that but did. I remember you thinking there must be some reason you survived. I know every time you wear a seat belt now you flash back to that night. I also know the days you flash back to that night and wish it had ended differently, those are the days you don't wear that seat belt.  You kept on going, fighting fires and being the best broken you that you could be. I was there with you screaming at you that day at the Duck River Cemetery, it was in the trunk fully loaded 7X62x39 FMJ fully loaded. You cried, you hurt and you were ready to see grandma and grandpa again. Thank God it was a busy day and you never seemed to find a minute alone to do what you came to do. You were just 19 then. 

        I was there the day you realized you needed to change, that was the morning you stopped doing any and all drugs cold turkey even though the painkillers helped. You and Josh spent weeks together playing Halo 2 and telling everyone to fuck off because you were staying out of trouble and going back to Idaho to start over. 2006 the last time you got to see Mom. You and Josh were both conflicted about leaving. He was crushing on Ashley and you on Kim. Even the one of sweet rich widow asked you to stay and offered you a room in her mansion, a car and a job. Kim woke up and called desperately when you were hours away and begged you to come back. You left so much behind you.

      You and Brian reconnected in Idaho, you did the church thing again but not very well like always. It was never really something you did for you but for friends and family. 2007 the year you met her, she was beautiful and adventures and you were two young kids in love. Neither of you understood how broken you really were. You did not and could not understand those broken bits you hid from each other were the most important parts to share.

       August 11th 2007 Orem Utah, you found some old pictures on myspace and she wanted you to wear a cowboy hat again like in the picture. You still have the hat and boots you bought that day and the boots still get worn now more than ever. You only pulled them out for special occasions because they meant more then now they are just made for walking. August 11th 2010 the big hurt happened the one thing you always feared went down while you were hours away helping a family friend put together wheel line so they could make the most of the season.

       You knew, you always know, it is a blessing and a curse gifted from an analytical mind, years of reading mystery books and from good genetics. One voice told you to go do you and go to school as planned and she, she said the one thing that made you want to stay that gave you hope. The church thing again so many emotions I watched you go through. Again not done for you but for friends and family and out of desperate hope

     You found a family of black sheep a home away from home. The leader jumped ship after an amazing night and you stepped in. You gathered the masses and bickered with the other side that viewed you as competition. You shined in the light and cried in the darkness because you too were fighting doubts of faith, self and everything. I watched it all unfold.

     What was it 4 years ago now before valentines day? The organization you built had amazing people in it. It was when Keene died around that time of the Cancer is a Bastard meetup. The one guy you knew was a bad apple the one you said not to trust. That was the one who in the end made you loose all faith all trust even though he was thousands of miles away he did the most damage.

       You had an out, but I watched you stay. You were scarred and felt like no matter what no one else would truly want you again anyways so why go? It was the logistics and the fear that kept you. Sure there were good weeks, days and moments that followed but you had checked out. Love had died and was now an action word for you not a feeling. But you put on a good show and it flickered from time to time but what started in 2007 had died that year. Those demons of not feeling good enough have always had the loudest voices.

       Now I know you I have watched you from day one and been there so I say this with love. Neither of you were perfect. You sir are no saint and you know it. You both did wrongs that led to the fall that is the new normal for you. I have wept with you, I have laughed with you and I have loved with you. The unsaid words the hidden thoughts you both had were unhealthy for the both of you. They did no good for either of you. She did not know how you felt then and you never knew how you had hurt her in ways as well. You two were always the best at not being on the same page at the same time. It was what you did.

     

       You spent 3 days in the shop making that table. You slept when there was noting more to do then wait for things to dry. $150 that you did not have to spend turned into $350 or that officers widow and her family. The saint who bought it donated it to the family. It was the night of the event you learned life was changing. You just got each other booze and booze accessories for Christmas. After five years you both never thought a child was going to happen. But it did, now I KNOW you aren't happy about things being the way they are right now. I know you weep silently and often loudly when no one can hear you but that little girl even now is a blessing. She loves you and you love her even through the hurt and pain YOU LOVE HER.


     Man 2016 remember how much you hated most everything about that year? There were some highlights but most of the things you enjoyed then hurt like sand in the eyes to think about now. 2017 has been a kick in the balls in so many ways. Again the joys you felt earlier bring you to tears don't go there right now big guy. You just stopped crying for the third time since the start of this letter, yes I kept count. You felt some of the deepest things you have felt this year. You felt joy and love in a way that had been lost to you. You have grown and been as strong as you have been weak this year.

       Tattoo therapy and some piercings the way you have always dealt with things and still do. Props to you you have never self harmed physically even though you almost did it in the life ending way 3 time now twice this year alone. Yup I keep count of that too. You have always used tattoos to turn that mental hurt into physical pain and use it to release it. Man remember that 12 hour session on the chest? Zeth was worn out before you were, you had a lot to deal with that day. bonus points you got the hug that day that you needed. 13 tattoos now with thoughts of another one good thing one is owed to you and you do trade work. Each tattoo a story just like that big guy in that movie playing in the background for the tiny human. Breath and quit crying..... Four times now. 

       You have some amazing friends who are just as broken and fucked up as you and sometimes they give the most meaningful advice to you. Like when they reminded you of how miserable you have been for years. Because there are three people on this earth who know you well enough to see through that million dollar smile The one you are divorcing, the one who wont really talk to you right now and the one who asked you not to become jaded and soulless like her. Yes you broke that promise to her. You shattered that soul in ways that were creative and impressive. Lucifer has some questions about that and I am sure he will ask the day you guys meet. 

       So these broken friends with the good advice, that Wednesday two weeks ago now I think? they made you think as they got you intoxicated. Yes you are not happy that this is the new normal because you never got married with the intention to get divorced. You never wanted split custody and to sleep alone like you do now. Still on the subject of sleep you have slept three times of a decent refreshing sleep since the split. Once was meaningful and so needed that night you felt like you had a soul again and God it was still and at peace. You reflect on it often , five times now stop it. The other two times in the past seven days. I know it was comforting. Back to where we were, you stopped being in love 4 years ago. So no you won't go back because yes you feel an obligation and you feel it is the right thing to do neither of you will be happy with it. You can't change the past my friend. You cant keep up that fight anymore. You put in 10 years with good times and bad. Move on.....

       So I need to wrap this up with one very important topic. You big guy, you have that one secret kept from 99.999% of the people on this earth. You have never loved you, no matter the lives you have touched or the good you have done it has never been enough for you. You give so selflessly because you give with all you have and never gave any of it to you. You have shined like a spotlight to so many broken souls, you have saved a few lives along the way. You say the right things and know all the good advice but you never take it to heart for you. That blast from the past that wants to have a few drinks after deployment was right yesterday.

     

       That old quote from that old bar you went to in Rexburg back when you needed the fake ID. It has stayed with you for over a decade now. 2018 is a new world for you in so many ways. The one thing that I ask of you is use this year to fall madly, deeply in love with some one who deserves it and needs it. This person is me, why me? Because I am YOU! Make friends this year, revive the charitable SOB that lives inside because helping others is a good part of us that needs to live on. But this time share that love with you. This is the one shot we get and we need to stop the regret and pain. You now live for you and Jackie and she needs a father that loves himself as much as he loves her. There will be so many tears that I wont keep track there will be so many late nights with no sleep because that is how we do things now. There will always be that one hope and wish but it is not our reason for being. Love you big guy, you deserve it, you are worth it and you sir can be that beacon of light again if you choose to be. Set those boundaries you need and don't do anything for anyone else out of obligation do it because it is what you want and need Be the blunt and honest you that you have been and never leave things unsaid or feelings kept in the dark anymore. Carpe diem, seize the carp! Yes we can still love horrible movie quotes.

With much love that one friend who has always been with you.

Bishop Brown

The crownless again shall be king

   

          I have been putting a lot of thought into my personal growth and rebuilding. I had to think of it in a way that makes sense to me. What came to mind? A house fire a fully involved, total loss house fire. Sounds kind of extreme right? well it really is.

         What has happened in my life, what has led up to this point in the story that is my life and made me this unhappy has been extreme. Divorce after 10 years of marriage is normally not something that happens lightly. But this post is not about what led up to the house fire it is about the fire and what happens next. 

     In a fully involved house fire all that can really be done is 

start fighting it and prevent or minimize and damage to surrounding structures. The fight for all of us is of course different depending on what started our own personal fire. Much like a real house on fire our own personal fire might require a crew of people from friends and family, therapy or other medical professionals. 

          So the fire is out now what? A crew remains on scene and watches for flair ups. An investigation begins to determine the source of the fire and why it became so intense. Was it arson, a appliance left on unattended or maybe a short in the wiring? As a person this investigation can be and most likely will be a much longer process. Often times for us complicated humans there will be multiple sources of ignition and often a bit of arson thrown in for good measure. When things get bad we all to easily have a few self destructive measures we resort to. Either way eventually if you put in the time and effort you can locate what started this personal fire and begin the next step. 

          If this has truly been a fully involved fire demolition is the next step. Picking up the pieces and cleaning up the mess Sometimes after a closer look you get lucky and some heavy renovation and fire restoration is what is needed, however we are focusing on a total loss.

         Here is why it is a bit harder for a person to rebuild. We have to live inside us for this entire process. Often while working and taking care of children or other loved ones. It is a hard experience and often we will fall down or feel like we are falling apart all over again. That is when you need to consult with the contractors helping you rebuild. Just as it takes a village to raise a child rebuilding a person is equally hard work. 

         

           You draw up those blue prints. You decide what life needs to look like for you now that you know what caused this fire. You have to use the lessons learned to prevent another fire. Nothing is fire proof but there are ways to make another one much less likely. Here is a bit of good news! Most likely you can come up with a few good things you liked about that old house or maybe retrieve some items that a friend borrowed that weren't lost to the fire. Because inherently we all have some good traits that make us who we are that should live on in this new house.  

          So we rebuild because we must, we cant dwell in a burnt out structure or pile of rubble forever. I mean, I guess you could try but would that really be comfortable? Would anyone want to come visit after a while if everything stayed the same?  

     I was at one point a firefighter hence why this analogy makes sense to me. I am still working these steps, I think I am on the creating blueprints stage of things. I lost a lot of me over the years. I am trying to find my tribe because I have lost so many members of it and not all those lost were a good thing. I can identify some amazing things about myself that are very much so worth keeping. I can also identify some of those ignition points and need to remove them from my life.

          I am a giving person and I gave too much and lost too much of me in this fire. But I am learning my strengths and that I am worth rebuilding however long that takes. The work is hard but in the end will be worth it. Many chapters of my life were torched these past few months and some hot spots flared up. But the fire watch is over.