Buckle up Buttercup this is gonna be a long one. I am still moving over past posts to my new site http://schrodingerssmile.com/
It is a work in progress with about 20 or so posts to move over. I am re reading them as I post them and adding modern day comments on a lot of the photos. While doing that I still gotta keep writing because I feel it in my soul.
Last month I had a friend come over and burn sage in the house. Felt good never done that before. That was step one. Burning the sage was to purify the house something I had never done. But I too needed some personal cleansing.
I met with friends in a windy, wet and cold evening May 22nd. I was advised to write down a list of what I wanted to cleanse from myself. That lost ended up being an 8 page epic slog. I read some of it out loud however it was raining and some of it started to smear. I think writing that list got a lot of poison out of me.
It felt good to read the bits I did out loud. The list got burnt because the shit on it is not coming staying with me. I need to quit revisiting the past and the pain it brings with it so often. Along with burning that list I also sent the hat I was married in and the small wooden token from Cove Fort that I got on my trip with Vanessa.
Ashes to ashes dust to dust, for better or worse that shit is gone now. Also burning cowboy hats do not smell pleasant. I had some reservations about burning the hat. But in the end I realized all it did was sit in the closet and haunt me. I am not going back to that past relationship and I had way too much emotion tied to that damn hat. So I set it free and there is no bringing it back.
I am a skeptical believer if things like this. I have my questions and reservations about them being real or helpful but I am willing to personally try them out. I firmly believe that some of the magic if you will is in the ceremony of it all. However I can not disagree, debunk or speak ill of the impact it has made on my life.
It was 100% a good experience. I could have done without the cold rain but honestly the weather seemed fitting. I feel lighter not in the physical sense but emotionally, spiritually and mentally. I have had a few friends ask me questions related to the past and I have answered them honestly and freely but I did not dwell in that moment after the Q&A session.
I remember what happened, I still have those lessons I learned that I keep with me but I don't cling to the memories, grief and in some cases anger like I once did. That shit is not even on the shelf anymore it too was set free. This does not mean I have forgiven and forgotten there are some people that will never again have a chance to fuck with me, to talk to me or to sit at my table. Most of those people will find themselves blocked on all of my social media outlets. They have no place in my life or reason to know what I am up to.
I am painting and creating again. I am still reading and learning. I am healing. That unto itself is powerful. The painting above has been in my head for a few years now but I haven't had the ability to sit down and make it part of this physical world. I probably could have forced it out but it would not have been the same. The next picture will be of it finished. It now sits above my writing desk in my room.
That picture is something I made from one of my favorite Blue October songs and images. It really is a song that speaks to me. I have tickets to the next show in Utah if that is still a thing. I feels good to look up from my desk or even my bed and see something I created for me on my wall.
I set some goals a while back for my personal growth. One of them was to read for at least 10 minutes a day. Have I stuck to it? I stuck to it like a Utah driver with a speed limit. I don't read every day but I am still reading and growing. Some times updating the old blog posts, making new posts takes priority. AS long as I am doing something that feels healing and productive I think I am doing ok.
I have not bees as connected to my social media. Yes I still post and check from time to time but I don't constantly check my phone or instantly reply to every message. My phone and I used to be attached at the hip and that was not healthy or productive for me. Distancing myself from social media and constant contact with people has in some ways helped with my depression, lessened my anxiety and increased my productivity at home and work. But the big one? I live in the moment a lot more now than I ever have. That is truly freeing.
The purging my house and property of my past life has been beneficial. I feel more at home when I am at home than ever. The simple act of replacing my old towels that I bought with my ex wife and getting ones that I picked out felt empowering. As stupid as it might sound it helps. The purge is still happening but i would say it is 75% done.
Ok so a handful of people challenged me to write positive affirmations down and say them daily. I did it... But I don't feel like it did anything for me. For some people it works and if you haven't tried it no harm in giving it a shot. But for me, meh not noteworthy.
One massive realization that I kind of already new but hit home from all this self work has been... Effort if you want to do anything or change anything in your life it is going to take honest effort. Not this I did it for a day shit but being committed to the end goal. We all have bad days, we all need a break or have a day to slack off but we cant stay idle if we want any real change. But I can honestly say I have no right to bitch about anything in my life unless I am willing to do something about it. But I think this is a standard we should all hold our selves to as well.
I think the most validating question we can ask ourselves is simply this. "Am I bitching right now or am I planning?" It is a simple question with a simple answer. If you are just bitching give yourself a 5 count let it out and move the fuck on. If you are planning, well by all means dive deeper and figure it out. No one will do it for you so make it a good plan.
So the wrap up to all of this. This Thursday the 4th we close the ritual we started. This is when I need to decide what I am welcoming into my life after the great purge. My home work is to come up with a phrase that incorporates what I am seeking out. I kind of have one but its not the one yet. More thought is required. So that is what I am going to do today. Thanks for reading and stay tuned for more updates.
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