Clean Up On Aisle Bishop

     Things are in transition right now. That simple sentence I feel has more depth than anyone outside of my head can grasp. First I will get the simple stuff out of the way. I now have a website for this very blog. I am moving over my old posts to it right now. For the sake of keeping things and order I am posting on here tonight. I NEED to write. I also don't need to subject myself to reading about my past right now. It is kind of a bad head trip in some spots. Anyways the new web address is http://schrodingerssmile.com/. Take a look if you want. 

     I am currently blogging from this very desk. I took all the random crap that had collected off the desk and made myself a reading and writing location in my bedroom. I have been doing a metric fuck ton of reading and writing. However for once this writing has been somewhat personal and done on paper with mechanical pencil. 

     This book is the reason for all of the writing. It has a lot of powerful and thought provoking questions. I will even openly admit that some of these writing assignments have moved me to tears. But in this case that is a good thing. I have had a hard time getting all of the emotions out. So props to this book for helping me on that journey. I highly recommend it  to anyone looking to do some creative and guided self exploration and discovery. 

     My self work and self love adventure has had some ups and some downs. On mothers day I got a wild hair and took a motorcycle ride up Provo Canyon at 4 AM. It was cold and I got frozen. But for the first time that I can recall I got up before the sun on purpose and went to watch the sun rise. 

      It was cold and beautiful. I was also only running on four hours of sleep. Yeah some nights have been longer than expected. But it was worth it. If I do it again I will be wearing many more layers. 

     I have no regrets over buying the bike. It has proven to be a good outlet when I need out of the house and out of my head. You can really only think about so much when you have music playing and need to focus on not falling over or crashing. 

     I have been painting again. This one was at the request of  a Facebook friend. She recently lost her son and he was a big Johnny Cash fan. A not as nice version of this was the original and resides in my house. I made it in the early part of my separation before the divorce. 

     I have a new project waiting for me in the kitchen. It has been a few days since I have touched it but I have been busy with other pursuits. Maybe this weekend I will finish it up. It will probably have more personal meaning for myself than impress anyone but I gotta get it out of my head and into the world. It very well might find a new home over this desk I am sitting at. 

     A lot of what I am doing feels good, really good. Other times kind of like tonight I am awash with emotions good and bad and thoughts productive and some depressing. But I have to carry on with my mission. This is possibly the most important thing I will ever do in my life and purely for myself. I see patterns that repeat far too often and the end result of that pattern is depression and misery. I am ready to cancel my subscription and find new ways to entertain myself. 

     Part of this journey does not live on paper. A large part of it is simply to keep moving. Sometimes this momentum comes from the good people and influences in life. At other times it entirely has to come from within. I recently made two lists of projects. One was outside projects and another inside projects. Mothers day weekend my amazing roommate was on the same wavelength or something and we plowed through a very large portion of the outside projects. 

     The shipping pallet planter garden was at one time destined to be a glass top coffee table. But part of this journey has been letting go of past ideas and creating new ones. I have had that shipping pallet for about two years. I made no movement on the idea of a coffee table but the flower garden I was able to knock out in an afternoon. 

     I am also trying to be more positive and active in my Tribe group. I think in some small way I might even be inspiring and motivating others to try some self love. That video was one I Shared in my group. 

     I have had to learn a lot of lessons. I typically learn the really super extra hard way. Why? Because I am special like that. With all this self love and personal growth comes a hell of a lot of personal reflection. Dear Cthulhu it can be uncomfortable. 

     I have been trying new things. I had my friend Kim come smudge my house not too long ago. I am what you can call a skeptical believer in such things. I am willing to believe and also willing to ponder the results deeply. So far my pondering has led me to believe it works. Now does it work based off the belief behind it or because the act of doing itself is freeing and ritualistic enough to summon a personal change? That I cant answer but I think both are an acceptable answer. 

    Tomorrow I am going to a friends house for a personal cleansing ritual much like what was done to my house. My homework for this was to write down what I need to get out of me. Like the really gross vile shit that haunts me and drags me down. You know emotional stuff. I am 33 and have never done this. My writing ended up being 8 pages long. I got some shit I am ready to purge. I will report back more on this later. 

     So now that I got the productive and positive things about my life out into the world... We are going to dive into what is currently swimming around in my head. 

     I have this amazing ability to meet people I connect with and for the sake of this writing we will select the portion of people I could see myself being with and building a life with. I seem to become important, loved and needed to these people. Like deep connection this feels like something real. But, not too long after think the span of a few weeks to months like less than three months... I become not the center of affection or desire but the option. Something comes up or often someone and all of the sudden I go from being the star quarter back of the wining team to well the bench warmer. 

     This has a really bad negative influence on my emotions, self worth and my heart. But time and time again this happens to me. Like a moth to a flame I crave that connection and sense of belonging to another. It always ends this same way. It has in a lack for a better term personally reinforced the belief I hold that I am a disposable person. 

     I can not say that I entirely agree with my disposable person opinion. However, I have collected enough examples of this theory to make it hard to disprove. Shitty I know. But this is a real though that swims around in my head. 

    I long for this human connection. Now I can say I have some good friendships that are amazing. But it is not a replacement for what I am missing. But I have gotten to the point where I am literally scared to seek it out.

     Yes the end result of finding this love and connection I seek would make the suffering from failed attempts worth it. However, the belief that I am going to be successful in finding it has grown very small. So for right now I have stopped searching for it. Easy to say hard to do in practice. 

   I am not to be found on any dating apps or sites. I cleaned house on social media. I don't go out to social events on a whim. If I go someplace public it is usually pre meditated. I really don't put myself out to be found. My heart still will occasionally do the happy dance or flutter when I talk to someone and I feel like we vibe or I catch the attention of someone I find attractive. I don't know how to stop that from happening. 

    What I do know how to do right in this moment is recognize I am a bag of spare parts and crossed wires. I have no business being with anyone or being anyone's anything right now. Other than my commitment to my daughter to be her father and to my employers to be a good employee. I just need to be solo and keep up the path I am on.

    For once I recognize I am not strong enough for another emotional set back. For once I have to pick me. I have to refill my emotional and mental health or life will get so much worse. So for now I am going to be selfish and that is a new trick for me. But at the end of the day I really NEED to believe I am fucking worth it because no one else can do this for me. 

:):