“The soul is healed by being with children.”
August 31 2017 I began the hardest chapter of my story. I said "I'm done" to the same woman I said "I do" to 10 years an 20 days before. These words took a powerful summoning of will to utter out loud. With these words came the realization of the mortal bonds I was breaking. It also meant the splitting of time with the beautiful little girl we had created and I had not truly gotten to know yet.
I will fully admit the realization was in no way a full understanding of what was to come. But never having experienced divorce how could it be? The time between August of 2017 to August of 2018 was not a time of great joy. It was a time of sorrow, exploration, self doubt and suicidal thoughts. It was a time of fighting, dividing of assets followed up with attempts to reconcile and the dark realization that it was not possible.
Neither side was able to fully understand or maybe it was that we were unwilling to understand what the other needed. No compromise could be reached. Broken promises, trust and shattered dreams were all that remained besides this sweet Tiny Human that we shared custody of. Becoming a parent is an exciting time, becoming single and a single parent before that child is one is nightmare fuel for a person who's life had just ended as they knew it. The divorce was finalized August of 2018.
One of the places I had not returned to since the parting of ways with Rachael was where it all began. Idaho the place where we met, lived and eventually left when our marital trouble began. In a small town called Sugar City lives my other Mother the one who has shown me unconditional love and support. It had been around three years since we had last seen each other. Depression, lack of funds and fear had kept us apart.
I had one of those gut feelings that for better or worse it was time to go see mom. So Sunday after the Tiny Human had gone back to her mother and I had eaten. I found myself on the couch wrestling mentally with the free time I had between then and Tuesday morning when I had to be back to work. A trip of this magnitude to a place where it all began felt very much needed but also sacred me to my core.
A call to my emotional support Laura and another to mom the plan was set into motion. You see Laura is one of my very best friends and she has seen me on top of the world and on top of a cliff ready to call it quits. This woman is truly one of my best friends and a literal life saver. She also doubles as a photographer and with the exception of the first picture all of them have thus far been taken by her. A journey like this I had no clear understanding of how it would mentally effect me. So going alone did not really seem like a safe option.
We rolled into Rexburg around 1 AM and I gave her the quick tour of the little town where I met my ex, where I worked and where I spent time with friends. After that little trip down memory lane we made it to Sugar City. Walking in the door about 2 AM. We woke up Joy who had been waiting for us. We talked, Joy shared stories of raising me and other embarrassing things. After a while we told her to get some sleep. Laura and I both being night owls took a late night trip to Tetonia and St Anthony. I showed here where we lived in good times and where we were when the problems began.
After that we snagged some fast food and headed back to Sugar for some much needed rest. It was about 4 AM when we got back to moms house and called it a night. I awoke around 10:45 in the morning and she got up a while after. Spent some time with mom caught up some more and headed back to St Anthony to see some friends.
We walked into the Eastern Idaho Art Lab and found Dan holding down the front desk. Before he could look up I cracked a joke and got to see the smile on his face as he recognized my voice and looked up. We both laughed and from the back I heard Kara saying she knew that laugh and it was hugs and smiles all around. After a guided tour of the Art Lab it was time to relax. Coffee and fresh cut melon was served and we caught up, swapped stories and shared pictures of projects. We talked shop, swapped some ideas and finally they got a bit of the back story that led to the modern day version of me.
All too soon we had to re enter reality. After a daylight tour of my old stomping grounds, some ice cream and a visit to the supermarket we were headed back to mom. More stories were shared and some motherly observations given. Mom gave me the same speech I give Adam " Let's not wait so long before you visit again" Followed by the request I come back for her birthday. Laura and I said our goodbyes and hit the road.
we stopped for some Jack In the Box because well we don't have them around our neck of the woods. Followed up by a brief stop at Frontier Pies in Rexburg so Laura could get a pie at the last remaining location. She used to work at one here in Utah. Our final stop was in Rigby Idaho to meet up with Adam who had just left Utah on Sunday. We caught him on his way home and just hung out for a while.
The drive home was full of random conversation. it was also full of enough silence on my part that Laura had to inquire what I was thinking about. She enjoyed getting a glimpse into parts of what was once my life before she ever knew me. We reached Lehi about 30 minutes before midnight and we parted ways. I got home just before midnight and lugged a few things in from the car. It wasn't until around 1 AM I was able to get some rest.
The Aftermath
Dear reader if you have made it this far you are a trooper and I apologize for boring you. I mostly write to sooth my mind and release my ills the way only writing can. However if you have somehow found something redeeming that helps you, you are indeed welcome.
Tuesday I was rather exhausted from the whirlwind trip and not the most productive. Today was my burn day but in all honesty I could not make it all day. The chipper attitude I woke up with soon turned to easily frustrated and then lost in my thoughts. I bowed out so I could come home and take care of my head. My job is a mental job and if I am not on my A game I am not of real use to my employer.
The human mind is an interesting thing. Mine seems to ponder often the events of the past and find new ways to relive old events. Sometimes it is healing other times distracting and yet still it can be emotional. Dear reader my divorce still brings me anger, sadness and the feeling of despair that one feels deep in the human soul. Each time I re hash the events of the past two years I come to the same understanding that unless I was willing to compromise on things that would have continued to have a negative impact on my mental and emotional well being no compromise or different ending could be made. Yes the end still hurts and I am working through it and the new things my mind brings to light every day but at least there should be a grand healing at some point and not endless suffering. I hope in part this journey home in some way brings me closure. With that I end this post as I think it has gone on long enough.
