I have never willingly practiced self harm, but you wont often see me without socks on. The mind is an interesting thing. Some time ago when I found out I was being cheated on for some reason that stress manifested in a weird way. I would dig at my own feet in my sleep.
I would not know I was doing it, it would always happen in my sleep. When I say dig I really mean dig. I never used to sleep with socks on however that seems to be the one thing that helps prevent my foot destruction. I say helps because some times it still happens. In fact at times random parts of my body get a phantom itch that I cant reach all related to stress.
It is a real thing and it sucks. Ever since that first time any time I am truly stressed it comes back. I try to ignore it but it is hard to do. Right now its pretty bad.Combine this byproduct of stress with depression and well it's a nightmare.
Last month was hard, I did not hit my sales goals I needed to for myself. That triggered another episode of stress itching. Life has not been easy on me and well I guess I never expected and easy life nor was I owed one. I always find it funny, anytime anyone ever rubs my shoulders or attempts to rub my back without fail they remark how tense I am.
The truth is at this point in life I always am. I have taken enough hits it life that I honestly am scared when things feel comfortable or happy. Experience has taught me that is when things are about to go to shit. I am always waiting for that next blow because it is what I am used to now. Therefore I am always tense.
The rules to the game are ever changing. That thought crossed my mind over the last few days. Whenever I made a life change to please someone not long after that tends to be when they exit stage left.
Some life changes are good I guess. If you have know me for a while and followed me on social media there was a time you would have usually known where I was. I openly shared my location and checked in on FB if I was out hanging out. I was open and vocal about most things and usually had a few friends around at any given time.
Now, well I fairly silent when it comes to my day to day life. This blog being the main exception to that statement. I used to gather with friends at least once a week to have some social time and vent, eat and play games. Now I work, spend time with my daughter and mostly keep to myself. I don't venture out for karaoke every week like I once did. I also don't drink hardly at all anymore.
I learned a quiet life shared with few makes less chances of drama and brain damage. Years ago I was a social butterfly and people I did not eve know would recognize me in public and come say hi. I don't actually miss that. The look on my daughters face when she gets to see me is truly the best thing.
The mental scars of the past I still fight. Am I not doing enough? Am I being to needy? Am I too much? Am I going to get hurt again like before? Those are all ever present thoughts in my internal monologue. Hopefully some day I will be able to dismiss them but today is not that day...
