We spend so much valuable time searching. We get these ideas stuck in our heads. If I get this car I will be happy or if this person would just give me the time of day and go out with me, I will be happy...
Maybe for a while we are happy. But the car breaks down, or that person was not who you thought they were. The shine wears off and like a junkie we need that next fix. Onward to a new dream because the grass is always greener on the other side right?
We spend so much of our valuable resources just trying to be happy. The most valuable of those resources being time and we generally spend far too much of it being miserable. The items or people we lust after change from time to time as needed because in reality they don't make us happy. How can they really?
If we can't find a way to be happy truly happy with ourselves, nothing will truly make us happy. We can change our job, location, home, relationship even our car but it can still leave us lacking. Often the let down from not getting the expected burst of joy we were after can leave us worse off than we were before.
I found joy, so much joy in another person after it seemed like I had forgotten the very feeling in so many ways. I felt love in new and exciting ways. It seemed like everything was perfect and in may ways we were perfect for each other. I felt whole, I felt stupidly happy. Truth be told I was stupid because I saw what I wanted, and when I was lied to and I knew the truth I tried to ignore it. All that joy, all the feelings of being happy and all of the plans for the future went away. As the lies were revealed all of that joy turned to grief.
I tried to find joy in religion because it was expected of me. Like a roller coaster I went through periods of trying to do what was expected and running from it. No one won that round and in the end I had to stop trying to please others through my church activity because it made me truly miserable.
I found joy in helping others and in many ways I still do. I organized entire events, spent hours making raffle items and prizes. I did help people, but after the event was over and the money distributed and the people went home I was again miserable.
This constant rise and fall of joy made me learn a few things along the way. I am an excellent student and frequently attend the school of Hard Knocks. I know so many things now that I wont want to try again. But I also gained understanding. Yes I was sad after all those meetups to help people. But I was sad because sad is pretty much a natural state for me. After feeling so much joy it was natural to feel so bad because it was a crash from the good times and from being surrounded by so many people.
That understanding has helped. Knowing what to expect has helped. I can prepare for it, I can talk myself through it. what would at one time derail me for weeks can now be over in a few hours maybe a day if it is really bad. I learned skills and ways to cope with depression when it came knocking. I learned not to embrace it like the warm comforting familiar blanket it had become.
Life is continuing on because it must. As much as I wish so often the ride was over for some reason I stick around. Even though some days I really don't want to. For some reason people are still drawn to me, I don't yet know if it is because I am like that accident on the side of the road you cant look away from or if I really still shine bright enough for those truly in need.
