I don't think it was me being strong, no one needed me to be strong for them. It was not out of a lack of sorrow. Many tears have been shed long after they have passed and at this moment tears are falling. More than anything I think it displays some kind of emotional disconnect that has played out my entire life so far. It sure as hell is not a mastery of my emotions. As of late those have been all over the map.
Next month my divorce will be final. Ending are hard and it has been said all good things must come to an end. I say if it was good for everyone why would it end? Hurt is part of life and I have been hurt by many some of them were rather shocking to be honest. However I myself am not blameless in the hurting department, so no stones shall be cast from me. A rather smart and amazing person said something to me that stuck recently, "Broken people break people". I know this to be true because I have been on both sides.
For some reason people come to me, they come to me to unburden and to seek advice. I question why they do because if you look at my life right now it is not the life of someone who has it all figured out. Maybe they figure experience is the best teacher and I have learned some shit along the way? They would not be entirely incorrect in thinking so. I know how to make a good mix drink, have some awesome movie and book recommendations and can tell you how to get off.
Yes, I can and often do give some OK advice. However advice is often easier to give and hard for myself to take even when it is my own. But I finally did, I re-entered the world of the single people after a short break. Not because she is not amazing. not because she did anything wrong but because I am still broken and until I do the work I will remain broken. No one can fix me but myself. I need to find that inner peace, process what has happened and let go of the past once and for all. If only it was as easy to do as it is to type.
