It was my weekend with the tiny human. I am fighting a head cold, and I'm kind of worn down. It wasn't a bad weekend, just not as amazing as it could have been. Being sick has a way of doing that. My girlfriend spent the weekend with us; she had to go home this morning. It was a weekend of productivity, tiny human time, and all of the cuddles. I even sorted through some things and made a rather large trash pile as I purged the house of useless things not needed or left behind by others. I mowed today because my yard was out of control. I, however, had to borrow a lawn mower since mine decided not to start for me today.
So, here I sit at the end of the weekend. Not all that I wanted to get done has been checked off the list, but my motivation and limits have been reached. I'm alone now, and being sick that tends to make me emotional. I have had probably twenty different ideas for a blog post, but I keep putting it off. I'm an emotional writer, and that in itself is a blessing and a curse. It is hard for me to just sit and write if my heart is not in it. But seeing as I am currently sober yet emotionally open after my evening of mental flogging going over the events and heart breaks of the past 365.
This song became my anthem, and in many ways it still is. I grew up reading the Hardy Boys, a detective series about two young brothers solving crimes in their hometown. My father was a police officer, and between reading what I did and genetics, I have a good gut. I mean that in the sense that my instincts often tell me when something is wrong, and that unto itself is a blessing and a curse. It is a skill that I have had to rely on far more than I would like to admit when it comes to my relationships.
I am by no means perfect, and I have had to change to survive my divorce and the loss of another important relationship that all happened at the same time. A heartbreak is one thing to deal with, but two at once will bring even the strongest person to their knees. Every time I started to stand back up, I fell or was pushed back down. I am still down, and I am at a loss as to when it will be safe to stand back up.
I was on my way back up; I was healing. But that night at the bar, when you showed up and pretended I didn't exist, that left a mark. Being mad at me, yelling at me, I can take that. But just pretending I wasn't even there after all the kind words, fun weekends, and those nights where we meant everything to each other? I went numb finally, and I still am. I am lost and not sure how to turn my emotions back on, or if I even want to anymore.
The pesky gut, it is a problem. You see, I had been down this road before. I knew the signs and the feelings when things are off. I know what to look for, and I know how people react in certain situations now. The people you said I was "marking territory with" were the very ones you were making plans and doing things with before we were ever over. The "We are just friends" line is one that was used on me before. In fact, the very person it was used about was my breaking point in my marriage. It was when I had checked out years ago. I felt like I deserved what happened, and there was no point in walking away because this was my life now and my worth. I believed this mantra with every fiber of my being.
To the one I will soon be legally divorced from, I was not the best husband and I was by no means perfect. I didn't make all of your dreams come true, and I resisted going on the extravagant adventures. I know you say you loved me, but you weren't happy either. I had a hard time wanting to give you the life you wanted and making those dreams come true. You made my worst nightmares and fears come to life several times in our ten years together. Somehow, it still seems like I am to blame for you stepping out with those other people. The way you described the justification for those extra-marital adventures with those not in our marriage makes me feel like it is all my fault in the end. If I had done this not that, or that not this, you would have somehow kept those pants on. But in the end, it was that emotional cheating with that deployed airman that truly broke me.
To the other love of my life, I pieced together many things in the final months. I loved you, and that's why I stayed and fought so hard. I did not want to let go and lose you, even though at this point we are just strangers who once had something amazing. There is not a thing you could have asked from me that I wouldn't have tried to do for you. I had never felt so wanted, so sexy, so happy, just happy with everything. I lost my strength and ignored the hard truths I knew just so I could spend more time with you, with the kids, and with friends. I craved your presence like it was a drug.
I desperately wanted to be the one who you still craved. I had never felt such peace when I held you in my arms. It is a feeling I still crave, but I doubt I will ever replicate. Even if I can, I fear it because those sweet moments were leading up to such pain and loss. That connection for me was one of a kind and genuine. Sadly, the way things played out it makes me doubt all of the smile the hugs and I love yous. Were they genuine? Was any of it real or was it all make-believe? I know it was all too real for me. No matter what we were doing, I was happy to be doing it with you or for you. Every day I still think of you, and all too often when I am out with friends I wish you were there enjoying the moment with me. I loved you, and to an extent I still do and always will.
So present day, I have changed. I simply had to. You see, I was cursed with this stupid big heart and desire to please people. Often that came at the cost of my mental or financial well-being. I had a realization some days ago. I am a people, and I deserve to be pleased as well. I am far less tolerant now about a lot of things. I don't feel guilty saying no or expressing what I need. I also do not respond well to guilt trips or manipulation. I shun drama and seek truth. That simply trusting and giving nature I had, well, it died. It died because all too often that kind-hearted man was taken for one too many rides. It was proven that I had value when I was needed but no value beyond that. I was made to be this way, so don't take it personally. There is a good chance you aren't one of the ones who did this to me, but in order to protect myself I had to become cold. In may ways, it is better for me this way.
