I have shed many a tear, I have spent too many sleepless nights pondering the different events that have led to this moment in time. It has made for wet pillow cases, long days and a headache I cant get rid of. I have woven countless letters of the alphabet and paired them with works of art that showed thought and emotion.
Like a placebo effect of kissing a child's hurt finger it has left me with some relief but it has all been temporary. I have been on a journey inside myself, remembered long buried feelings and moments in time. But on my journey I come back to the same discovery the same sticking point. I find myself lacking.
While that is not new information it is helpful information to have. The next step on my journey can't be accomplished with grieving, wishful thinking or the tools I currently have. Sadly the tools I need can't be bought at Lowes. If they could I would already know where to find them.
I am going to need to journey outside of myself and learn new things, try new ways of thinking. I am going to have to face growth and change. My bag of tricks has a hole in it and I don't yet know how to sew. But I have two choices keep on keeping on carrying these broken pieces until my end of days comes or suck it up and try not to sew myself to them in a comical way while I try and fix me.
The long and the short of it is I don't want to hurt anymore. One of my friends told me last year she hates dealing with problems and often puts them in nice glass jars on a shelf and keeps them there until the shelf breaks. Well last night my shelf broke. I had put one too many things on that Ikea shelf than it was rated for. My problems sprang for the shambles of broken particleboard and empty booze bottles and right now I cant afford a new shelf or enough booze to contain them all again.
